Always Somewhere
by fireball13
Summary: Deeks gets a call from Kensi but it is not what he expected. How far is he willing to go for her? Who is the White Ghost? Will life ever be the same again?
1. Chapter 1

**A/ T: So here is another story. I have had this one stuck in my head since we first found out about the Afghanistan arc. My head would explode if I didn't write it down. **

**Special thanks to my girl Callen37 for her help. You are a sweetheart and your strength amazes me!**

**So, here it is. As always I can't wait to read your comments. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS LA or its characters!**

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Two months. It's been two months since Kensi got re-assigned and even though he has desperately tried to cover the void her absence has causes, he still feels empty and alone.

He hasn't spoken to her since that phone call on Christmas and lately luck doesn't seem to be working on their favor. During Skype calls, one of them is always missing and Kensi doesn't want to use the Satellite phone for social interactions. Even when it comes to Deeks.

By now he should have gotten used to her absence, but with each day that goes by he feels lonelier and lonelier. He finds it hard to get out of bed every morning knowing that Kensi won't be waiting for him at Ops. He hates leaving every night without saying goodnight to her. And most of all, he hates coming home to an empty house without her by his side.

Having her in his house that one night just felt right. Like that is where she truly belonged. Even though nothing happened between them and they only ended up sleeping in each other arms, he can still smell her. He knows that's impossible since he has washed the sheets on his bed, but somehow she left her mark.

Everyone has offered their support to Deeks and pretend they know what he is going through, but he seriously doubts that. Callen has always been a lone wolf. He prefers solitude and the company of his own thoughts. He's never had anyone in his life long enough to miss, so therefore he hasn't experienced longing.

Sam on the other hand, is surrounded by his family. He knows that every night he is going to be welcomed with a kiss by his wife, and a huge hug from his kids.

Eric and Nell…well they have each other. Working in the same line of duty and being equally "weird" has created a special bond between them.

A special bond! That's the term Nate had used several months ago to Deeks. Back then, he had tried to deny his feelings and hide behind his trauma, but soon he realized he was only lying to himself and postponing the inevitable.

Unfortunately, when he finally found the courage to verbally express his feelings for Kensi – and to his surprise she reciprocated – Hetty and Granger decided to send her on a top secret assignment across the world. Actually, he is still not sure whose idea it was. Hetty remains as mystical as ever and Granger….well he is just plain Granger.

Despite his countless efforts to grand him with any kind of information, they are still keeping him in the dark and it drives him crazy. Or better yet, it drives him mad.

He has to be patient though. He has to prove to Hetty that despite his personal feelings he remains a professional who is always prepared to do his job.

It's almost noon and the whole team is up in OSP wrapping up the last details of another solved case and just before that final goodbyes Deeks phone starts ringing. He doesn't need to take it out of his pocket because the ringtone makes it perfectly clear who is calling. It's a ringtone he hasn't heard in two months. Kensi's ringtone!

His eyed widen and he quickly answers it with a trembling voice. "Ken….Kensi?"

"Hey!" a fade voice is heard from the other side of the line.

"What? Why? Why are you using your phone? Does this mean the mission is over?" he asks excited.

"It will be….soon."

"So you are coming home?"

"Yeah…." She pauses for a moment before responding. "I guess, I am coming home finally."

The lack of excitement in her voice set sets off alarming bells and Deeks immediately understands that something is off. Suddenly, when gunshots are heard and she gasps in terror, his fears are soon confirmed.

"Kensi was that gunshots? What's going on? I know there something wrong. I know that tone in your voice."

Hearing the fear in Deeks voice Eric quickly works his magic and within seconds Kensi is on the speaker and everyone is able to listen to the conversation.

"kensi please, talk to me. What's wrong?" he begs again.

"They are here!" she whispers.

"Who's…who's there?"

"We were ambushed. Granger and I came back to the base from a mission a few minutes ago and…..everyone is dead. Everyone is dead Deeks!"

It kills him hearing the frightened tone of her voice. It so unlike Kensi.

"Where are you now?"

"I am in the trailer. Granger is still out there. I...I don't even know if he is still alive."

"Kensi listen to me. You have to stay hidden. If you want to make it out of there alive, please stay hidden."

He desperately tries to convince her but deep down inside he knows she would never do that.

"You know I can't do that Deeks. I'd rather die fighting than live in shame. I am sorry."

He closes his eyes and tries to hold back his tears. Hetty is already on the phone with Vance, Eric and Nell listen to the conversation in fear and Callen and Sam look prepared for the worst!

"Kensi please, I beg you." Deeks pleads once more as he buries his face in his hand.

Suddenly Kensi gasps in fear. "They are in here," she whispers.

"Kensi you listen to me ok? Stay hidden."

She lets out a sad smile that even he can hear. "I love you."

"Kensi no! Don't you dare say that. You are going to say it once you are back to me safe. Please don't say it now!" he shouts. But it is too late. She has already put down the phone and suddenly several gunshots are heard dancing through the air.

"Kensi!" he shouts so loud that it feels all the air from his lungs has run out.

Everyone listens in utter shock to the whole gun fight, trying to understand what is happening.

Which side is winning?

Is Kensi still alive?

They all look terrified at each other. Then, dead silence fills the air and only the discreet sound of footsteps approaching the phone are heard.

"Kensi?" Deeks whispers praying with all his strength that he will hear her voice.

But instead, a man with deep voice answers. "Kensi? Was that her name? So, where do you want me to send Kensi's head?"

The line is soon dead and everyone in the room is too shocked to utter a single word.

They all look at each other unable to speak or move. It is like suddenly they have all gone numb and they are waiting for their senses to fully return. They find it impossible to process what they have just witnessed.

Deeks steps away from the console but his legs can no longer handle his weight. He falls hard on his knees gasping for breath.

This isn't happening he keeps telling to himself. It's just a dream. A nightmare to be exact. He closes his eyes and tries to wake himself up, but the scary truth creeps onto him when he opens them once again.

This is reality!

His hands are trembling, his heart beat accelerates and he fights for a breath that doesn't seem to come.

This isn't happening. This can't be it. She can't be gone just like that. She doesn't deserve to die like that. No! scratch that. She doesn't deserve to die at all. They were supposed to have their whole lives ahead of them. They were supposed to make it work and get the happily ever after to their love story.

Callen and Sam make a step forward in an attempt to comfort him but he raises his hand in defense to keep them in distance. He doesn't want anyone around him right now and he certainly doesn't want to be touched.

Depression, denial...now it's time for anger.

The urge to hit something, or someone is consuming him rapidly so he decides to channel his wrath towards Hetty!

He picks his gaze from the floor and glares at her. If his eyes could spit fire Hetty would be burning up right now. He slowly gets up and starts walking towards her. Eric pulls Nell behind clearly scared of Deeks reaction right now. His breathing is stabilized but his hands are clenched tight into fists and the deep blue color of his eyes has now turned into black.

He stops just a few inches away clenches his jaw and looks down on her.

"This is all your fault," he accuses her bitterly.

Hetty swallows hard and for the first time ever, she seems speechless. Her eyes are watery and deep down inside she knows there is a dose of truth in those words.

"Mr Deeks I am really sorry," she manages to say.

"Just because you are sorry you think everything is fine now? You think your sorry is going to bring her back? You think I don't know you sent her on a God damn suicide mission?" he yells.

Hetty and the whole team look at him surprised.

Callen and Sam because they were unaware of the little detail, and Eric and Nell because even though they were informed, they had never shared that information with Deeks. Kensi had specifically asked them not to tell him anything. She didn't want him to worry about her.

"What? You thought I wouldn't do some research? You and Granger don't speak as silently as you think Hetty. Yes! I looked into this whole White Ghost thing and yes I found out what happened to the last guy that went after him. You guys want to know?" he turns his attention to Callen and Sam.

"He got decapitated!"

Their eyes widen in complete shock and they both stare at Hetty.

"Is that true?" Callen manages to ask even though he is sure he already knows the answer.

"I am afraid so Mr. Callen."

"And you still authorized her re-assignment?"

"I believed in her. She had intelligence and skill. I was absolutely positive that she was capable of killing him and I trusted her to smoke the potential mole out."

Deeks shakes his head in anger. "This isn't a one man job. You should had included all of us. You had no right to send her away like that. You kept secret vital information. She would never have agreed to go had she known the dangers."

"I am sorry to disappoint you Mr. Deeks but despite you personal relationship with Miss Blye, she still remained a highly trained agent was obliged to do her job."

"Don't talk about her in past tense," Deeks snaps. "Her job is here in LA, with me. But you took her away from me. You snuck her out in the middle of the night and you didn't even have the courtesy to let her say goodbye. You are supposed to care about us, but you sent her there to die alone. How could you?" Deeks tries to control his emotions but it is vain.

Hetty swallows hard. "I never considered a negative outcome. I always believed she would come back and the two of you would value the time spent together. I wanted to make sure you could work apart as efficiently as when you work together."

Deeks can't believe what he is hearing.

"What are you saying? That you did it for us? That you wanted to help us? No offence Hetty, but we were going to work it out by ourselves. We didn't need a coach. We are not your puppets. You can't keep playing with ours lives like that. And since when did we give you any reason to doubt us?"

"All I ever wanted was the best for you," Hetty silently says.

"Well Hetty, you failed to deliver that." Deeks bluntly responds.

"I am going to Afghanistan."

"Mr. Deeks you are not trained..."

"That was not a question Hetty," he cut her off. "This is the least you can do. You want to help? Then help me find her. But if she is..." his voice cracks "...if she is gone, then don't expect me to come back to NCIS. And certainly don't expect me to forgive you."

"Understood," Hetty sadly nods. "But you are not going alone. I am sure Mr. Callen and Mr. Hanna are more than willing to accompany you."

Callen steps forward and places a hand on Deeks shoulder. "There was no chance we were going to let you go alone."

Deeks smiles in appreciation. Just the fact that they remained silent during the confrontation with Hetty is all the proof he needs that they support him.

Within minutes the three of them are packed and ready to leave. A private jet is already waiting for them at the airport.

Before leaving Deeks takes one last glimpse at the box. The box Kensi gave him for his birthday a year ago but refused to open. No! This isn't the time to do it. He closes his eyes and lets out a breath to calm himself down.

"You are not dead! I know it! Just please, wait for me. I am coming!" he whispers before heading to the exit.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/ T: So here it is. Another chapter. After this one though there will be weekly updates. Unless, I get some serious work done within the next few days and manage to have a few more chapters prepared. **

**Please be patient! I promise I will do by best to keep you all happy. Special thanks once again to CALLEN37 for her help. **

**As always, your reviews make me extremely happy so feel free to... review away! **

**Enjoy!**

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So this is it. This is how it ends.

She always believed that she would die in the line of duty but not half way across the word and certainly not all alone. She knows it's probably the worst time, but she can't help herself and her mind reviews her life's accomplishments. The sheer force that kept her going when her father died was her determination to find his killer. And she did! She managed to get her much desired revenge and even though she thought her life might me pointless and empty after that, she was wrong. She found another reason to wake up every morning and she set a new goal to achieve. Start a family with the man who changed her perspective of life. The man who taught her life isn't just black or white. Then man who dared her to take risks and claim her right in love. That man though, isn't here right now.

Why did they have to wait so long? They should have known better. In this line of work you can't take tomorrow for granted.

They should have acknowledged their feelings sooner. There were both so scared of the things that could go wrong and never considered the fact it could work out just fine.

Well, you learn from your mistakes after all, but now Kensi doesn't have the luxury to make up for it.

She should be scared that the end is near, but she is not.

She is only scared about Deeks and how her death is going to wreck him.

No! He is strong. He managed to overcome every single obstacle that life threw on his path and this is what he is going to do now as well. Yes, he going to grieve but time will slowly heal the scars in his soul and in the end he is going to come out stronger than ever.

He has to!

Besides, she is sure Callen and Sam will stay with him during every step of the way. He will try to shut them out but he won't succeed. They are even more stubborn than him.

Before she realizes it, tears stream down her cheeks. She can't see him but she has to at least talk to him. She needs to hear his voice for one last time, before the darkness take over her. She takes out her phone and speed dials his number.

_"Ken….Kensi?"_

_"Hey!"_

_"What? Why? Why are you using your phone? Does this mean the mission is over?" _the excitement in his voice is killing her.

_"It will be….soon."_

_"So you are coming home?"_

_"Yeah…."_ not alive but still..._ "I guess I am coming home finally_."

_"Kensi was that gunshots? What's going on? I know there something wrong. I know that tone in your voice. Kensi please, talk to me. What's wrong?"_

She wasn't panning on telling him the truth but unfortunately the gunshots gave her away_. "They are here!"_

_"Who's…who's there?"_

_"We were ambushed. Granger and I came back from a mission a few minutes ago and…..everyone is dead. Everyone is dead Deeks."_

_ "Where are you now?"_

_"I am in the trailer. Granger is still out there. I don't even know if he is still alive."_

_"Kensi listen to me. You have to stay hidden. If you want to make it out of there alive, please stay hidden."_

_"You know I can't do that Deeks. I'd rather die fighting than live in shame. I am sorry."_

_"Kensi please, I beg you." _His pleas feel like a dagger piercing slowly into her heart. Calling him wasn't such a great idea after all.

Then, she hear voices and footsteps entering the trailer. "_They are in here,_ " she whispers.

_"Kensi you listen to me ok? Stay hidden."_

_ "I love you."_

She refuses to stay hidden in the bunkroom. Now matter how much it must have hurt Deeks, it's just not who she is. She doesn't hide and and she surely doesn't run. She makes people run! At least she managed to tell him the three little words that should had escaped her lips long time ago.

She places the phone down, takes a deep breath and tries to concentrate on the footsteps approaching.

She counts "One...two...three..." Three intruders and she only has two rounds left. She checked the armory the moment she walked in but as expected it was empty and everyone was lying dead on the floor.

Everyone apart from Booker at least. He had been shot twice in the back but he was still alive and Kensi managed to carry him into the panic room.

A room he had demanded to be built specifically for such circumstances. Unfortunately, it could only fit one person. It didn't matter to her though. She wasn't intending to stay hidden anyway.

Just as the first masked-intruder walks in, she punches him in the face and tries to take him out with her bare hands. Bullets are a luxury and she plans on saving them for the rest of them.

She easily knocks him on the floor, but before she has time for the final strike, the second one enters the room. She it too slow and he is too fast. He shoots her on the shoulder and she kneels down in pain. This is Kensi Marie Blye though. She has survived car crashes, gun shots and more explosions than she can count. A single bullet isn't enough to make her surrender. She fires her only two rounds killing him instantly and then fights off like a tiger the other two.

She is outnumbered, weak, bleeding and in pain. The odds are against her. Any other day she would have been able to take them out and not even sweat. But not today. Within seconds she is lying down with her back on the cold floor.

She gasps for breath as she sees one of them pick up the phone and start talking with a clear American accent.

"Kensi? Was that her name? So, where do you want me to send Kensi's head?"

So, this is where it all comes to an end. This is where she is going to leave her last breath. She looks at the masked man hung up the phone but he suddenly freezes and stares at the screen. Apart from the gun shot she sustained severe injuries from the hand to hand combat with them. Her head is spinning her eye lids feel heavy and soon enough breathing becomes an issue.

Your whole life is supposed to pass before your eyes when you are dying, but she sees nothing. Just the bright light of the lamb above her - If Deeks were here he would joke that it's the light of Heaven. She closes her eyes and tries to picture him. His face is all she want to see before death. Instead of peace though, she feels a pair of two strong hands around her neck picking her up slightly and shaking her violently.

"Who is this?" she hears the man yell but she doesn't have the strength to open her eyes.

"Open your eyes bitch and tell me who the hell this is," he yells again even louder.

She gathers what's left of her strength, slowly opens her eyes and to her surprise she sees the figure of Deeks glaring at her.

It's a hallucination she thinks. Her vision is blurry and she blinks twice trying to focus on the eyes staring at her. They have the same blue color but definitely a different look. This isn't Deeks. Same eyes, similar hair, contiguous posture, though it's not Deeks.

She lets out a sad smile of disappointment and looks at the phone he is holding. It's her phone and he is showing her the photo of Deeks she has used as a wallpaper. Why the hell does he care who he is?

"I don't know," she whispers.

Soon, her strength gives up on her and she allows herself to dive into oblivion while the man angrily tries to keep her conscious...but it's vain.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/ T : My friends I hope you enjoy this next chapter. Many thanks once again to Callen37. I wish you luck and hope you'll be back soon. **

**As always feel free to leave your comments. **

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The 15 hour flight to Afghanistan seemed endless and awfully quiet. Awkward silence surrounded the aircraft as no one dared to utter a single word. Callen and Sam exchanged meaningful looks and Deeks was too lost in his own thoughts.

He has to remain calm and optimistic. Kensi can still be alive. She is not dead! She can't be dead!

He keeps telling that to himself trying to convince his mind to listen to his heart. If she is dead then life is meaningless. NCIS is pointless. He only stayed in NCIS because it always felt like family and Kensi was the most important member of it. No...not was. IS!

She is out there, somewhere.

The moment they set foot on Afghan ground they immediately jumped on the Humvee that was waiting for them and drove to the base.

Deeks expected the worse. Dead bodies lying around and stains of blood on the ground. But to his surprise the only evidence that a huge fight took place right there, was the bullets still left on the dirt.

"Even if Hetty hadn't warned me about your arrival, I figure you'd all come," a distinct deep voice is heard and all three of them turn around.

"Granger!" Deeks exclaims in surprise. "You are alive!"

"Hold back your enthusiasm detective," he ironically responds.

"I am sorry. I didn't mean to sound like that. It's just that last time I talked to Kensi she didn't know if you were still alive."

Granger looks at him surprised. "You've talked to Blye?"

"Yes, she called me while you are being ambushed," his voice cracks. "Where is she?"

"Not here!"

Deeks mouth falls open. "What do you mean she is not here?"

"I mean exactly what I am saying detective, she is not here. We've identified all the bodies but she is not among the dead nor the living," Granger bluntly responds.

Deeks feels his heart stop. This wasn't what he expected at all. There were two options in his mind. She would either be alive or dead. Missing never crossed his mind. He runs his hand through his hair trying to process this new unexpected information. Callen senses his frustration and decides to take charge.

"What exactly happened here?" he asks.

"We can't talk about it out here in the open. Let's take this inside." Granger leads them to the trailer.

The trailer! That's where Kensi said she was hiding. Deeks swallows hard and walks in through the small door. Unfortunately they didn't have time to clean it like they did outside, and the pools of blood are still evident on the floor. Soon dark thoughts start creeping into his mind.

Is any of this Kensi's blood? Was she injured? Where was she hiding when she called? Was it the bunk-room?

He goes into detective mode and desperately tries to find anything that would hint Kensi was in that room but it's almost impossible. The night she left she didn't even have time to pack anything other than the clothes she was wearing at that time. One more reason to add on the list. One more reason to be angry at Hetty and Granger.

"We are alone now, so talk," Callen firmly says.

"This was supposed to be a top secret operation agents. You do realize that you are not authorized to this kind of information. I could lose my head over this."

Deeks walks towards him and stops just an inch away from his face. "If you don't start talking I will cut your head myself."

"Are you threatening me Detective?" Granger smirks.

"I never threaten! I warn!"

"Ok, that's enough," Sam tries to pull Deeks away from Granger. "I know it's hard man, but try to stay focused and calm."

"I am calm," Deeks calmly responds but his eyes tell otherwise.

"You might want to put a leash on your detective Agent Callen."

"You might want to start talking otherwise I am going to leave you alone with him and lock the door on my way out."

Granger shakes his head and sits on a chair. "Agent Blye's mission was to kill the man responsible for countless attacks on our units."

"And who would that be?" Callen asks.

"We don't know yet."

"What do you mean you don't know yet?" Deeks raises his voice.

"Do you have a problem comprehending the answers Detective?" Granger starts to lose his patience. "I mean we don't know who he is. We suspect he is American - probably an ex private contractor - working for the Taliban, familiarizing them with advanced combat tactics."

Callen frowns trying to put all the pieces together. "And what about the mole?"

"You 'd better ask Hetty about that," Granger smirks.

Deeks is starting to lose what's left of his patience and raises his voice once again. "Ok, that's enough with the whole back and forth bullshit. What the hell is wrong with you people? You brought her here to kill a terrorist, but you don't know who it is. You asked her to find the mole, but you are not sure he even exists. You are keeping secrets from Hetty, Hetty is keeping secrets from you and you are both keeping secrets from Kensi. You are both alive and well but she has gone missing because you two can't communicate. "

Granger just sits and listens to his outburst expecting Callen or Sam to calm him down but to his surprise they just stand back and let Deeks do the talking. He has been keeping all this anger inside him for much too long and it's time to unleash it.

"Don't look at them," he snaps at Granger. "They are not going to save you. During all these months I've been patient, quiet, trustful...but enough is enough. You took her away from me without any warning."

"I didn't know you owned her Detective. Since when was Agent Blye your possession?" Granger cockily smirks.

Oh, the fury is boiling up inside him and he can no longer keep him composure. "She IS mine," he yells back. "She is mine to protect. She is my partner and I am supposed to keep her safe. You had no right splitting us up. You had no right to bring her here without any backup. You sentenced her to death and you are not even sorry about that."

Granger's face stiffens for the first time since they know him. "It was my job to keep her safe too Detective. I vowed to her father a long time ago. I never wanted her anywhere near this place; Hetty insisted to use her sniper skills."

Deeks stares at him, eyes wide open. "Then why did you authorize her re-assignment?" his voice softens.

"Because Hetty always knows best. I trusted her judgment, but above all I trusted Blye. I trusted her tenacity to get the job done so that she can come back to you."

The awkward silence that surrounds the trailer is soon disrupted by a corporal. "Sir, former Gunnery Sergeant Reilly has arrived."

"We'll be right there." Granger responds.

"Do you think you can hold on to your wrath a little more? We've lost most of our men and Reilly is here to help us. He is a Private Contractor in the area and has agreed to lend us some of his men."

"For what?" Sam asks?

"Clean up this mess and help us to get our agent back."

"You said the Ghost could be a private contractor. Are you sure we can trust this guy; or anyone at this point?" Callen tries to be cautious.

"Hetty trusts him and so do I. If he can help us find Blye, I am willing to co-operate with the devil himself."

Deeks can't help but smile a bit. Maybe he was wrong about Granger after all. Wait. Let's rephrase that. Not entirely wrong.

They follow him outside the trailer where they meet with a tall muscular man, with dark brown hair and a beard.

"Nice to meet you assistant Director," he shakes Granger's hand. "Wish it were under different circumstances."

"Us too. These are Agents Callen and Hanna accompanied by detective Deeks," he points to the three of them.

Reilly shakes hand with each one and looks puzzled at Deeks. "Detective? Well you are a long way from the police department."

Any other day he would have responded with a cheesy comment, but right now he doesn't even have the energy to joke about it. "I am here for my partner."

Reilly frowns his eyebrows even more confused. "Another Detective in Afghanistan? Do you guys have a conversion or something?"

Deeks lets out a deep breath clearly not in the mood to joke around. Every minute that passes by is another minute in the darkness. Another minute not knowing where Kensi is.

Sensing his tension Sam jumps in to avoid a potential fight. "She is a NCIS Agent. Detective Deeks is our liaison. She's been missing since the attack."

"Oh, I see. I am sorry Detective. I didn't mean to be disrespectful."

"That's ok," Deeks shakes his head.

"Do you think the Afghans' took her?"

"No, It was the White Ghost. "

Reilly freezes at the sound of that name. "You think he is the one behind the attack?"

"We don't think, we are sure. Let's take this somewhere more private though," Granger points towards an empty tent - the only one still standing.

Once they enter the tent they all sit on the two beds lying inside. All except from Deeks. He is too nervous to sit down. He just sits near the entrance trying to keep his trembling hands and feet still.

"We are alone so, I am listening," Reilly motions to Granger to start talking.

"Yeah, we all are," Deeks adds.

"Wait, you guys don't know what happened either?" Reilly looks at them surprised.

"No," Callen confirms his suspicions. "we probably know as much as you do, so Granger enlighten us all."

"Agent Blye was assigned to kill the White Ghost."

Reilly frowns for a moment at the sound of Kensi's last name and swallows hard but mentions nothing. Instead he tries to keep his face emotionless and listens to Granger with even more interest.

"The task force was supposed to find him, and Blye would be the one to pull the trigger. But for the pas few months the Ghost was always one step ahead of us. He knew were our task forces were positioned, classified missions, ambushes...everything. So, as expected Hetty suspected there was a mole in this base and assigned Blye to smoke him out."

"So, you agent had to kill one the most wanted men and find a traitor in the meantime. Busy lady," Reilly ironically comments and Deeks can't help but smile a bit.

Suddenly he feels kind of fond of this man and his wit but Granger doesn't share the same enthusiasm. On the contrary he just glares at Reilly and moves on.

"As I was saying, she was assigned to bring the both down. A few weeks ago she came up with a different theory. That our security system had been hacked so the Ghost was surveilling not only our communications, but our classified files and encrypted messages as well. That's why he knew everything we knew. So, she told Booker to quietly run a thorough check on our security system. You know, find traces of someone who was not supposed to be there. And he did! Blye was right! We had been hacked. So, we came up with a plan. We uploaded false information for the Ghost to see. "

"What kind of information?" Deeks takes a step forward.

"We sent an encrypted message to DC with the co-ordinates of our new secret storage. We figures the Ghost might be interested in retrieving a whole bunch of weapons, missiles, ammo...We stayed hidden in that storage for four days. But not even a bird flew by. The Ghost obviously called our bluff and as soon as we got back here we stepped into a fight and within minutes almost everyone was dead." Granger's voice cracks and for a moment they all feel sympathetic towards him. It made them wonder how many men he has watched die before his eyes throughout his career. Surely, he didn't make it to Assistant Director by solely wearing suits. He must have had his share of near death experiences.

"How many of you were part of that mission?" Reilly breaks the sudden silence.

"Just Blye, Sabatino, myself and ten more soldiers. Sabatino is in the hospital along with three of the soldiers. The rest of them are all dead. "

"Why do you think he took your agent? What use could he have of her?"

"Her head!" Sabatino's voice is suddenly heard as he enters the tent and walks past Deeks with the help of crutches.

Everyone stares at him debating whether to help him or hurt him, but he clearly reads their minds. "Oh don't look at me like that. It's not like it hasn't crossed your minds. You'd be lying to yourselves if you never considered the fact that she is already dead."

Deeks breathing becomes heavy, his jaw clenches and his hands are tied into fists. Thankfully, Sam picks up his warning signals and quickly gets up and positions himself in front of him. "Relax man, he's not worth it," he whispers to Deeks in an attempt to calm him down, but Sabatino's rumbling isn't nearly over yet.

"Even if she isn't dead, she 'll wish she were. I wouldn't want to be in her shoes right now. Just pray that they'll have the decency to leave her head behind this time."

That's it!

Deeks lets out a deafening scream of rage and lunches forward like a caged animal to get his hands on Sabatino.

It takes three pair of hands to hold him back. Callen, Sam and Reilly, they all use their whole strength trying to restrain him but it is vain. Deeks vigor feeds from his increasing rage.

He wants to kill Sabatino. He wants to tear him apart just for daring to say it out loud.

"How dare you say that? He yells at him trying to free himself from the strong grips surrounding him. "You don't know her. She is a fighter. Where were you during the ambush huh?"

"I was keeping myself alive," Sabatino bluntly responds.

Suddenly the realization hits Granger. "Wait, weren't you in the trailer with Blye? I ordered you to stay with her."

"She had a death wish. I didn't! Everyone looks at him astonished as he throws away the crutches and walk forward without limping. "I told her to follow my lead but she didn't listen to me. There is no such thing as honorable death. Death is death. Period!"

"What did you do?" Deeks growls.

Sabatino smiles, the irony written all over his face. "I played dead."

"You did what?" Deeks makes another attempt to attack him. "You were here the entire time? You saw her fight for her life and you did nothing to help her? You saw them take her away and you did nothing to stop them?"

"What good would it do? We would probably both end up dead," he tries to justify his actions, but as expected he is not convincing at all. "She was your partner Deeks, not mine. My number one priority is to always keep myself safe. Not her. If you wanted to protect your lover girl, you should had been here."

That's it!

They know it is impossible but they can swear, red heated, smoke is steaming out of Deeks. They've never witnessed him in this situation before and it scares them down to the core. He is like a lion lurking to attack to its pray. If he gets his hands on Sabatino he will surely kill him. There is no doubt about that.

"Let me go!" He yells trying to escape the fortress the three men have built around him.

Even Granger joins in.

Deep down they all want to hit Sabatino but finally it is Reilly the one who gets the much desired strike. A single hit on Sabtino's throat is more than enough to bring him down on his knees gasping for air. Suddenly, the commotion is over and everyone is left staring at Reilly.

"What?" he looks at them puzzled.

"Nothing," Callen smiles at him and turns his attention back to Deeks. "Are you good?"

"Yeah," he shakes their hands off of him. "I'm good. I'm calm now."

He moves close to Reilly and looks at him quite impressed and frankly, a bit satisfied as Sabatino is still on the ground fighting to breath. "Thank you. I would have killed him."

"I know! I still can kill him you know," Reilly grins as he walks past Sabatino ostentatiously refusing to aid him.

Finally, Granger approaches him and taps his back. "Just relax. Don't force it and you'll be able to catch a breath."

Within seconds Sabatino is able to breath again and stand on his feet but all five men pierce him with their eyes.

"If you come anywhere near me again, I WILL kill you. No one will save you." Deeks warns him.

Sabatino stares the floor a bit remorseful, prying the consequences of his actions. "I know that the truth hurts, but you have to realistic and face the facts. I am not proud of what I did, but this is war and self preservation is my second nature," he moves towards the exit but stops for a second before walking out. "I really do hope you find her alive and unharmed. "

Soon. all five men are left alone again trying to pull themselves together and force their brains to come up with answers they know they don't have.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/T: Thank you all so much for the support. **

**tessinciucy & blue dogs rock loyal as always! **

**Katie, IHTFS and my dear guest, I was really touched by your comments. Some of the greatest compliments I have ever received! **

**As always special thanks to my Beta Callen37. I wish you a speedy recovery girl! **

**Can't wait to read your reviews on this one. Enjoy...**

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Kensi slowly regains consciousness. Is it consciousness or is it her spirit finding its way to the beyond? Is she dead? Is she alive? She doesn't know. Then, she feels it. The burning pain across her shoulder right where she was shot. She is still alive but not well. She tries to find the strength and open her eyes but they are not listening to her commands. Actually her whole body is refusing to perform any kind of operation right now.

Is she at a hospital? No! There is no comfy mattress supporting her back. She is sitting on the cold concrete floor, her aching back pushed back at the wall. She tries to move but soon feels the cuffs cutting through the skin of her hands. She is bound, freezing and in pain. Obviously she's been kept captive and somehow, this feels worse than death. She tries to fight back her panic and slowly open her eyes. Even though her vision is blurry she tries to concentrate on her surroundings. She is hoping to see or hear something that could clue her in as to where she is.

She looks down at herself.

To her relief she is still dressed. Her jacket has been removed and she is only wearing a tank top and her military trousers, but still that's something. She takes a look at her shoulder and notices the bandage. Someone patched her up.

Who? Why?

How long has she been unconscious? She desperately tries to recall her last memory before this captivity and it all comes back to her. The failed mission, the ambush, the phone call...

Why is she still alive? If they planned on killing her they wouldn't have treated her wound. What is their sick plan?

Her mind lures into dark territories and suddenly she feels a tight knot in her stomach. If they have worse plans for her than death, then she will surely find a way to put an end to her life herself. No! Someone will find her.

Deeks will find her.

Someone must have informed them about her abduction. After all she called him. He knows what happened and he probably suspects she is dead but that won't stop him from looking for her. She has faith in him. No matter what, he always finds her. He always gets her back.

She tries to focus on the room. Her prison. It looks like an abandoned house. No furniture, just a chair placed near the entrance. Dust is spread all over the floor covering several red marks. Blood. Either a fight took place here or this is used as their interrogation room. Or more likely, their torture chamber.

The windows are broken but they have roughly covered them with wooden boards while bullet holes are spread over the walls.

Apart from the chain in the wall that she is obviously cuffed to, there is one more hanging from the ceiling. She has a strange feeling she will get acquainted with that one soon enough.

She swallows hard and pulls the chains bounding her in frustration again and again unsuccessfully. She only manages to harm herself as the blood from her wounded wrists starts dripping through her fingers. That was a pretty bold and stupid move. Self inflicting injuries isn't the smartest plan she could come up with. She lets out a breath trying to pull herself together. Feeling so weak and helpless is nearly driving her insane. Where the hell is everyone?

Where is this famous ghost?

Did he just leave her here to die?

God, all her frustration is rapidly boiling up.

Then, the door opens and in walks Deeks' doppelganger.

Her mind plays tricks on her and for a few seconds she thinks this is her partner coming to her rescue. To her disappointment though, he is not. This is the enemy. This is her captor.

She is scared but she won't let him see through her. She puts on her fearless mask and looks at him straight in the eyes to prove that she is not intimidated by him.

He drags the chair across the room and places it right in front of her before sitting down. "So, sleeping Kensi decided to wake up."

Suppressing her urge to attack him is impossible and she lunches forward in another failed attempt to free herself from the bounds that restrain her. The cuffs dig into her skin once again as the blood drips down on the floor. It hurts like hell but she doesn't let the pain reach her face.

Her captor looks at her clearly enjoying her distress and smirks in satisfaction. "You are staying here. Get used to it."

"No! There are people out there looking for me. They are going to find me. They are going to find you, but they are going to let ME kill you.

"Really?" he laughs. "Well, right now sweetheart, you are MY prisoner and I make the rules. So do yourself a favor and play along."

He takes his phone out of his pocket and turns it on. "Who is this?" he asks showing the same picture of Deeks again.

She keeps her gaze blank and her mouth sealed.

"I ditched your phone out in the desert. I wouldn't want your friends to track me down so don't get any false hopes. No one is coming for you. But, I am willing to let you if you tell me the name of this man and how you know him."

"You really expect me to believe you? I've seen your face. I could easily recognize you among hundreds of men, and you are simply going to let me go? Please, don't insult my intelligence."

"I always get what I want, so please co-operate before this turns ugly," he calmly warns her.

"I never give what I don't want to give, so bring it on," she stares at him defiantly.

His face becomes hard and before she realizes it he hits her hard across the cheekbone. "I've killed people for a lot less, so chose your words wisely," he growls.

She can taste the blood of her cut lip and feel the pain on her already bruised face, but she refuses to let it show.

"So, you are the Ghost!" she exclaims.

"My reputation proceeds me," he proudly confirms." I suppose you already know what happened to everyone who came after me, so save yourself from the pain and start talking. Who is this man?"

"I don't know. I found the picture online and thought he was cute. I assume he is just a male model."

Her answer results into another hit across her face. "Don't mock me girl."

"I am not your girl."

"Well, soon enough you'll be a dead girl unless you tell me who this is."

Kensi shrugs her shoulders. "I don't know."

The Ghost grabs her throat, shoving her head hard against the wall. "I could do this all day, but lucky you, I don't have the time for this."

As soon as he lets go of her throat she coughs violently trying to breath. The Ghost takes a syringe out of his pocket and demonstrates it to Kensi. "Do you know what this is?"

She looks at it scared, her eyes red from the sudden asphyxiation. "Nothing good I assume," she whispers.

"Well, this is a trick I learnt in Israel. I mixture of Sodium Pentothal with a hint of LSD. Do you know what this will do to you?"

"I've heard a story about it. It didn't end well for the bad guy," she cockily smiles.

"What makes you think I am the bad guy?"

"Apparently, you are an American, but you are assisting the terrorists. You've brutally murdered US marines. How does that not make you a bad guy?"

"You are so naive. All of you people believe the filthy lies the government serves you. They send us here to die. And if we don't die, they treat us like stray dogs."

"You're a marine?" Kensi asks surprised. They always thought the Ghost would be a private contractor. Not a marine gone rogue.

"I was. Up until the shrinks proved me incapable of serving another round. Anger issues caused by PTSD." he puffs in frustration.

"That's not an excuse for teaming up with the enemy."

"We are the enemies here! You want to chat but I don't have all day. I need certain answers and I need them now," he plunges the syringe violently into her upper arm and Kensi gasps in pain.

She feels the liquids run deep into her veins, and as much as she fights to maintain her composure, she knows she will lose this fight. Her heart starts racing, he breathing becomes rapid and she starts trembling. She knows too well what these drugs do and she fears the worst. In a few minutes she won't be able to hide the truth from him.

What the hell does he want with Deeks anyway. Why is he so interested in him? Why not just kill her and get it over with? Why is he so obsessed to find his name?

The Ghost waits for a few minutes for the drugs to take effect, and smiles sadistically at Kensi's distressed figure.

"So, let me ask you again now. Who is this man?" he once again shows her Deek's photo.

She bites her already bleeding lips, desperately struggling to remain silent. There's an inner battle going on inside her mind as she soon feels like she is losing the leverage. The drugs quickly take over every inch of her body and mind depriving her any form of volition. She can't take this. She can't allow herself to surrender to this man. What if Deeks is already here looking for her? Why is the Ghost so interested in him? Does he plan on killing him?

Too many questions cloud her mind but she doesn't have a single answer. She fights for control over her mind but soon tears threaten as she realizes she's lost the battle. Her lips are trebling. She is terrified, not of the Ghost, but of herself!Truth will inevitably escape her lips and she will put everyone's life in danger. What if she compromises her team? What if she reveals the locations of the OSP? What if she gives away passwords, safehouses, armories...?The Ghost will be surely interested in selling this kind of intel to USA enemies.

No! She would rather die than betray them.

"Who is he?" he asks again impatiently, grasping her throat again and thrusting her head once again against the wall. The impact is so strong, that she can feel a wave of dizziness numbing her body.

He lets go and sits on the chair again crossing his arms together. "I'm waiting..."

She picks up what's little left of her composure and glares at him. "Kill me, or I will kill you."

He laughs in amusement. "Don't make idle threats sweetheart. I am going to ask you one last time. Who the fuck is he?"

"Why do you even care?"

"Who is he?" he yells louder than ever.

Every inch of her body stiffens. She can feels the veins in her throat and hands pop out, ready to explode.

Finally she gives in.

"Max Gentry," she whispers smiling bitterly in defeat. "My boyfriend."

The Ghost's eyes widen in shock at the sound of that name. Then, he leans forward until he is just a breath away from her mouth and whispers caressing her cheek. "You see, that's impossible because...I am Max Gentry!"

Her jaw drops and lump begins to form in her throat as she looks at him straight in the eyes trying to understand the meaning of his words.

"What do you mean you are Max Gentry?" she manages to ask.

He lays back on the chair comfortably. "You do realize that I'll have to kill you now that you know."

"I've been dead all along," she calmly states and an evil grin escapes the Ghost's mouth.

"I introduced myself, so it's time for you to do the same. What's your name and who do you work for?"

Kensi tries remain quiet or come up with another white lie, but the drugs have conquered her mind. "Kensi Marie Blye, NCIS."

"So, you are an NCIS Agent. And it this man? Is he an agent too? What's his real name?"

She hates feeling restrained, she hates losing control of her own mind, she hates this man. She tries to shift around in a failed attempt to wake up her will, but all cause is lost and she breaks down in sobs.

"Marty Deeks, LAPD."

The Ghost looks at her satisfied but confused. "How did NCIS pair with LAPD? Is he your boyfriend or something?"

"My partner," she whispers, never taking her gaze off the floor. "He is our liaison."

"Well, well, well. Marty Deeks. I never thought he'd pick that name," the Ghost mutters.

Kensi stares at him trying to understand the meaning of those words. "You know him?"

His features soften a bit. "Of course I know him. He is my little brother."

Suddenly it all makes sense.

His resemblance to Deeks, his obsession to find out about him...But then again, nothing makes sense at all. Deeks never mentioned a brother.

Actually, Deeks hardly mentions any family member. But why would he hide the fact that he has an older brother? When was the last time Deeks talked to him? Does he know he's gone rogue? Does he know he is in Afghanistan? No! No way he knows. He would have said something. He would have warned her.

"Judging by the surprised expression on your face I assume he's never spoken about me."

Kensi shakes her head swallowing hard. "Never."

"Well I don't blame him. I haven't exactly been an ideal brother," he lights on a cigarette.

"What happened to you?"

"You know, the usual. Drugs, alcohol, petty thefts, bar fights...Deeks was our mother's son, but I was always like our father. When he got in jail, and mom died we were separated. Marty grew up with our grandfather, but I was sent to Juvi after I got arrested for the 100th time."

"I don't understand! How is your name Gentry and not Brandel. Was it your mother's name?"

"Our mother's last name was Mace. Deeks refused to use Brandel and went by Marty Mace until college. But my grandfather disowned me. He called me a disgrace to the family and that I should be in jail with our father. I was forbidden from using that name again. So, I chose Gentry."

Kensi tries to concentrate and put all the pieces of the puzzle together, but are always pieces missing.

"Why Deeks? Why did he choose Deeks?"

"You ask too much you know that? This drugs are supposed to make you answer to questions, not ask them. But you'll soon be dead so..."he lets out a deep breath. Marty's favorite comic hero was Dennis Burton; the Laughing Mask. An Assistant District Attorney by day, vigilante by night. Deeks was the name of the first criminal he killed. Now, don't ask me why he didn't chose Burton. I guess you'll never know," he throws the cigarette on the floor and immediately lights another one.

Kensi tries to process all these new information but it's just too much. Honestly, she feels quite disappointed and hurt. Why did Deeks never share his past with her? Why did he keep this brother a secret? Was he ashamed of him? Why did he never tell her his real name? Why didn't he trust her with his secrets?

Deeks speaks a lot, but says nothing! She has shared all her fears, her dreams, she trusts him with her life but still...he holds himself back. Why? It's too late now. She will never find out.

"What are you doing here in Afghanistan?"

"I volunteered," exhales the smoke from the cigarette. "I got out of Juvi, I was bored and in need of a thrill. War sounded like a good idea. I joined the marines and pretty soon I got deployed here. I was good at killing!"

"And when did you switch sides?"

"Enough!" he shouts. "You're done with making questions. Now it's my turn. Is he here?"

"I don't know."

"Don't lie to me," he growls as he holds his cigarette a few inches away from her face.

"I can't lie, remember? I don't know if he's here. I was the only one assigned."

"Do you think he'll come for you?"

"Yes," she says without thinking but soon regrets it. "What do you want with him?"

"Reunite with my little brother. I bet he has skills otherwise he wouldn't be working with you guys.I'll show him the light and soon, he'll be working with me," he cockily smiles.

"He would never do that. He would never betray his country, his team...me. He is not like you."

Without any warning he grabs her throat and burns her with his cigarette in the chest. She lets out a cry of pain but bites her lips refusing to show her agony.

"He is my brother, my blood and he will do whatever I want him to do. He will listen to me like he always did," he removes his hands off her and drags the chair near the entrance again. "I'll see you in a while sweetheart."

She coughs as she tries to catch a breath. The burning hurts like hell, but she is used to enduring pain. She has to find a way out. There has to be an escape. She looks around in panic but all she sees is...nothing. Just an empty room. Helpless, scared and alone she lets out a cry of defeat and starts crying.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/ T: I know I may sound too graphic, but I'd like to thank you all once again for your kind comments. They mean the world to me. I bet you know how a single line can make someone so happy.**

**Special thanks to Callen37. Welcome back girl!**

**Enjoy my friends!**

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Darkness has fallen and Deeks wanders around like a lost soul. He has no idea what else to do but just stare at the black sky wondering where Kensi might be right now.

She isn't dead. He would have felt it. She is somewhere out there, hanging on to life, waiting for him.

He feels so angry he could kill someone.

He is angry at Hetty for assigning her to this mission.

He is angry at Callen and Sam for not stopping her.

He is angry at Granger for authorizing the assignment.

He is angry at Sabatino for not protecting her.

He is angry at Eric and Nell for holding vital info from him.

But most of all, he is angry at himself for not being by her side. It's his job to protect her. He promised her that he would never let anything happen to her.

And now he's failed.

Callen , Sam. Reilly and Granger left on the horses about an hour ago to scout the area and meet with some local contacts. All of their base cars were disabled and Granger was one grumpy fellow riding the horse.

A part of Deeks wanted to join them, but as it turns out he was too scared. He was scared he might find Kensi's dead body somewhere in the desert.

He knows himself all too well. A sight like that would definitely be his undoing.

Death is part of their job, that's for sure, but they never teach them how to deal with it. He has no problem dying.

After all, he always pictured he would die in the line of duty before even turning 40. That's why he made a vow to live to the fullest.

But, he always found it difficult to cope with the death of those he cares about.

His mother, his grandfather, Traynor….Somehow though, he got over them and moved on.

But now it's different. This is Kensi we are talking about.

How can he live without her when all his future plans include her? He feels a shiver down his spine just thinking about it.

She isn't dead.

Period!

He runs his hands through his hair letting out a deep breath.

He must focus and come up with a plan.

The trailer is finally cleaned up so he decides to step in for one more time and try to relive her last steps.

As he walks into the near darkness he can smell the chemicals used to wipe it clean.

The smell of gunpowder and death is finally gone.

He turns of the light switch and takes a quick look around.

It's empty.

They may have washed away the blood, but the signs of the huge fight are evident.

Bullet holes in the walls, trashed computers, destroyed furniture….

He steps into the bunk-room and scans the room.

He wonders where Kensi was sleeping?

He bets it was to the bed nearest the door. She always needs to be close to the exit.

Then he sees it. A grey scarf tossed on the bed.

Could it be hers?

He takes it in his hands and breaths it in.

"Oh, it's definitely hers," he sighs

He could recognize that distinct smell anywhere. A sad smile escapes his lips as he holds it close to his nose once again.

He doesn't care. He is keeping this.

He takes one last look around but apparently everyone's belongings have been removed.

Probably to send them back to the families of the deceased.

He unfolds the scarf and wraps it around his neck. He needs to keep Kensi's smell as close to him as possible.

This waiting is driving him crazy. They have no clue who and why abducted Kensi and nothing makes sense anymore.

Does the Ghost want something in return for her life?

Wouldn't he have contacted them if that were true?

Is he so sadistic that all he wants to do is torture her and then leave her dead body for them to find?

He holds his head in his hands trying to come up with a logical answer. He goes over and over in his mind everything he knows, which is basically nothing. Kensi never told him much about the case other than she didn't even trust her own shadow.

"Where are you?" he whispers as he holds the scarf close to his lips. He is so deeply lost in his dark world that he is caught off guard when Callen and Sam enter the trailer.

"Who are talking to?" Callen wonders?

"Huh, no one, he turns around surprised.

"Were you talking to yourself and….what is that around your neck," Sam tries to lighten the mood.

"What? This?" Deeks points the scarf. "It's nothing. It just got chilly in here."

Callen and Sam though know him all too well and don't fall for his obvious lie. The way he softly caresses its edges make it crystal clear.

"Is it Kensi's?" Callen asks but he already knows the answer.

Deeks just nods and smiles bitterly. "What did you guys find?" he tries to change the subject.

"Nothing noteworthy," Sam shakes his head in disappointment. "This guy is truly a Ghost. No one has ever seen him"

"So what do we do now? We wait until he leaves her body on our doorstep?" Just the sound of that sentence made everyone's stomach lurch.

"No! The hospital called and Booker is finally awake. He wants to talk to you."

"Me?" Deeks looks confused. "I don't even know who that guy is. I mean…I know who he is….Kensi told me he was an analyst….but I've never met him in my life before."

"Well apparently, he knows you. So, grab your gear. We've got a car and we are going to the hospital."

Suddenly, Deeks sees some light at the end of his endless tunnel.

He is packed and ready to go in no time. Every minute spent in the dark was a true nightmare.

But now, they may have a lead. Booker must know something otherwise he wouldn't be so eager to talk to Deeks.

The drive to the hospital was a blur and endless.

All he could think about was the thousand scenarios that crossed his mind. They hurry to the reception but all their hopes soon crumble to dust.

"Agent Booker formed a clot and was rushed into the OR again. They are keeping him in the ICU for at least another 12 hours. I am sorry but no visitors are allowed," a nurse sadly informs them.

This isn't happening. Their only lead, their only hope to find Kensi might not make it through the night.

Deeks feels his blood pressure rise. He can't accept it. His mind begins to race.

They can't wait that long.

"But he wants to talk to me. He asked for me. I have to see him!" Deeks pleads.

"I am sorry sir, you'll have to wait," the nurse insists and Deeks soon loses his patience

"You don't understand me. This is a matter of life or death. An agent's life is in danger and he is the only one with the answers!"

"Even if I let you in, you still wouldn't be able to talk to him. He is highly sedated. I am sorry, " the nurse walks away leaving the three men helpless.

"So what do we do now?" Sam asks.

Deeks collapses on the nearest chair therefore refusing to leave.

"Now we wait."


	6. Chapter 6

**A/T: The usual thank you to all you guys out there for your support! After watching the latest episode I know for sure that the next three weeks will be nerve wrecking for all us fans. I suggest we buckle up cause it's going to be one bumpy road,**

**I hope you like this next chapter. I was supposed to post it during the weekend but I couldn't help myself!**

**As always feel free to knock yourselves out with reviews. **

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She comes to in the dark.

For a brief moment she wishes it was all just a bad dream, but soon reality hits her. She is still bound and cold. This endless stagnation has led her body to numbness but the burning on her shoulder still remains. She can't feel her hands or her legs. She desperately tries to move her fingers. Maybe that will stimulate her blood to circulate. But nothing…

Her throat is dry and she is starving. She can't remember when was the last time she ate a proper meal. Those four days hiding in that warehouse, waiting for the Ghost were endless as they only had water and energy bars in their possession. Actually, she has lost all sense of time and doesn't even know how long she's been held hostage. It could be hours, days, weeks…

Truth is, it's been nearly 48 hours.

Did the Ghost leave her here to die alone?

She keeps forgetting that the Ghost has a name now.

A very familiar name.

How could Deeks keep such an important detail a secret from her.

Why did he never tell her about his estranged brother. Obviously, they didn't separate under the best of terms, but still.

He could have mentioned him like he had mentioned his father.

A long time ago, she asked him the history behind the Max Gentry alias and he had lied to her face.

That Max, was simply a cover he put together.

In his defense, this was during the early stages of their partnership. Maybe he wasn't ready to share that piece of his past with her.

But it's been 3 years since then.

He could have said something.

As much as she'd like to be angry at Deeks, she is not. She cannot get angry at him more than two minutes but she never lets him know. Every time he thinks he's pissed her off, he does everything within his power to make up for it and cheer her up.

She loves him for that.

She loves how well he knows her. She loves how he shows his affection without verbally expressing it. If he were here now she would admit it to him.

Words are not always important.

Words can lie, manipulate, deceive, hurt.

Action is what matters, and man, Deeks is the king of actions. He would rather do than tell.

She closes her eyes and shivers. She can feel the cold down to her core. Her lips are trembling and she bets they've turned purple. She's never felt so uncomfortably stiff in her entire life. Not even when she was locked in that laser room. Back then, she knew Deeks was coming. He would never leave her.

Could he be coming now too?

Of course he is.

This is Deeks we are talking about. Nothing would ever keep him away from her. If it was up to him, he would have flown to Afghanistan a long time ago. He is certainly coming, but is he going to be on time.

Will he be able to save her this time and at what cost?

What if the Ghost kills her eventually?

What if Deeks has to kill his own brother later on?

That would devastate him. He is not that strong. No one is that strong. She prays it won't come down to that.

She closed her eyes trying to ease her mind from the growing discomfort when suddenly the door opens. It's dark, the figure is outside her line of sight and the torch he is holding nearly blinds her. Is it a rescue team? Is it Deeks? She doesn't make out the face until he is standing right above her. To her disappointment it's him. The Ghost. Max.

"Are you here to kill me?"

"No," he grins "my brother would never forgive me if I killed you."

He reaches behind her for her cuffs and removes them from the chain they were locked to.

This is the perfect chance to escape but she is too weak and she knows it. She refuses to go down that easily though. As soon as she is up on her feet – barely – she kicks him as hard as she can in the groin. Unfortunately she is too weak to even try another strike so she falls hard on the ground.

The Ghost moans in pain but smiles in admiration. "I expected nothing less from you sweetheart, but you know you are not going anywhere."

He forces her up and leads her towards the center of the room.

She tries to understand what he is planning, but as soon as he stops her below the chain hanging from the ceiling she gets the point.

"What are you going to do with me if not kill me?"

He uncuffs one hand and then quickly binds her again. Only this time he places both her hands in front of her. Then, he raises her hands and hangs the cuffs from the chain hanging from the ceiling.

She wasn't going to let him see her pain, but a groan of pain escapes her lips.

"I am just going to let you die. The temperature drops below zero during the night. You are going to freeze wearing that single tank top. Your legs can barely touch the floor. If you give up and let go, the cuffs will cut through your skin and you will slowly bleed to death. Either way, I'll be surprised if you make it through the night."

"And you honestly believe Deeks will forgive you even if you don't kill me with your own two hands?"

He considers her words for a moment.

"He's my brother. He'll understand me. Besides, if I don't kill you you'll kill me. Partners come and go but I will always be his brother. He'll understand me. He'll see the truth hiding behind you peoples lies. I know my brother and he will come with me. So, enjoy what's left of your pitiful life."

"Why do you want him so bad?" Kensi snaps at him. "You haven't seen him in years, you have a little army here surrounding you …why do you need HIM?"

"Because he is my brother. My blood. I failed him once, but now that I've finally found him I am going to save him."

"Save him from what?" Kensi yells trying to understand his plan.

The Ghost moves forward and grabs her hair shoving her head backwards.

"YOU people! Seals, marines, the Government. Everyone that has been lying to us. I don't have time for this." He lets her go and walks towards the exit. "I have another attack to plan!"

"Stay away from him you hear me? I won't let you destroy him! Even if I die today I will make sure I take you with me. You hear me?" Kensi yells with all her strength but it is too late.

The Ghost has already left her alone.

Once she is alone in the room she realizes the severity of the situation. The wound on her shoulder is killing her and she must have torn the stitches because its bleeding. The cold air coming through the broken windows penetrates her body like needles. Death seems her only salvation. She wants to give up and let herself fade away. Surrender. But the word resignation does not exist in her vocabulary.

She tries to keep her balance but her exhaustion is consuming her rapidly. Every time she stumbles she can feel the cuffs digging into her wrists and making their way to her bones.

Deeks will come, won't he? He always finds her. But what if he won't succeed this time? How will he react when he finds her lifeless body hanging from the ceiling like a butchered animal?

Two agonizing hours go and as much as she wants to fight, her legs seem to have a mind of their own. Soon enough, they can't support her weight any longer and leave her body hanging from the ceiling. The pain if the cold metal cutting through her wrists is excruciating as she feels the warm blood running down her arms.

She doesn't cry but tears escape her eyes. "I am sorry," she manages to say before succumbing into the darkness.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/T: Most of you saw the revelation on this chapter coming. I don't know what's going to happen on the show but one thing is for sure. We need this confrontation. **

**As always my thanks to Callen37 for her help and huge support. **

**Enjoy!**

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The sun has almost come up and Deeks waits patiently at the hospital for Booker to wake up.

Even though Booker was barely conscious when they found him in the panic room, he demanded to be transported to this specific private medical clinic. Of course he didn't trust the public Afghan medical system and this facility was the closest to Kabul.

Deeks discretely looks around trying to evaluate the quality of the services provided and so far, he is quite satisfied. It isn't exactly equal to the western civilization, but it's descent.

If Kensi needs medical attention, he is definitely bringing her here rather than any other hospital.

Kensi!

He sighs just thinking about her. She is out there, somewhere waiting for him and what is he doing? Just sitting around, doing literally nothing. He still has no clue as to who abducted her and why and he is quickly losing what's left of his sanity.

The worst part though, is not knowingwhether she is still alive.

What is he saying?

Of course she is alive. Death is not an option. He is not prepared to lose her yet. Maybe he will never be.

He drinks the last sip of his fourth coffee and takes a glance at Callen and Sam. They refused to leave his side during the night, but fatigue soon takes over them and they both fell asleep.

Well, Callen as always is not exactly sleeping. He is cat napping.

He takes a deep breath and gets up. Even though he knows the answer, he walks over to the nurse and asks her for the 100th time if he can see Booker.

"I've already told you detective, we will call you as soon as he is awake," the nurse snaps at him clearly sick of his constant asking.

He runs his hand through his hair in frustration. He has no idea what to do. It's been more than 48 hours since Kensi disappeared. He can't even dare to think what she must be going through, while he just sits here helpless. He should be out there trying to find her, not wandering around like a lost soul.

Fine, he is not trained for the Afghan terrain -Kensi would make a nasty comment about his delicate skin complexion if she were here- but he is sure as hell determined to find her.

And when he finds the Ghost….he will destroy him.

He is so lost in his thoughts that he is taken by surprise when he feels an hand on his shoulder and quickly turns around.

"Oh, I am sorry man. I didn't mean to startle you." Reilly removes his hand.

"That's ok. I didn't expect to see you here, that's all. Do you have any news?" he begs with his eyes for a positive answer but he knows it won't come.

Reilly shakes his head. "I am sorry. What's new on Booker?"

"The sedatives should wear off any minute now. The nurses said they will call us," he throws away his empty cup and moves to the vending machine to get a new dose of caffeine.

"How many of these have you actually drunk?" Reilly looks worried at him.

"I don't know…four…five maybe."

"You've got to stay sharp man. If Booker has indeed a lead and we have to move immediately, you'll have to be on your a-game. You should get some sleep and I'll wait."

Deeks can't deny that despite the numerous coffees he's drank, his eyelids still feel heavy and every muscle of his body is aching. Reilly is right. If he wants to help Kensi, he needs to be rested and focused.

"Ok," he nods. "I'll crash on the couch in the waiting room with the others. What about you though? Don't you need some sleep?"

"Don't worry about me. Trust me, I am fine," he takes the coffee from Deek's hand and takes a sip. "Now, go lie down. It's already 5 am and I bet he'll be up in a couple of hours and he'll help us get Kens back."

Deeks walks slowly towards the couch but stops for a moment.

_Kens? _

First of all he never mentioned her name to Reilly. Then again, he must have heard it from Granger back in the base camp. But Kens? That's a pretty intimate reference.

"I am sorry," he turns to face Reilly "I didn't catch your name."

"Oh, you are right. It's Jack. Jack Reilly," he extends his arm for a hand shake.

_Jack? _

Deeks eyes widen and suddenly his heart stops. Could it be really him? That explains his eagerness to help them find Kensi, his hatred towards Sabatino, his kindness towards himself. To be honest, this is not how he pictured him to be.

Jack reads his mind and removes his hand. "I assumed you know who I am."

Deeks swallows hard. "I've heard about you."

"From Kensi?"

"Yeah."

"So you probably know about our history."

Deeks just nods.

"Look, I am not proud of what I did. I really loved her. I did! But I couldn't make her happy," he looks on the floor quite embarrassed.

"It's not my business anyway. You should have this conversation with Kensi once we get her back. She deserves to know. She needs closure."

"I know. I should have written her a letter."

"No, you should have talked to her. You should have explained," Deeks raises his voice a bit but once he sees the nurses glaring at him, he motions Jack to follow him outside the hospital and soon they are alone. "Did you plan on telling us….ever?" Deeks is the first to speak.

"To be honest with you….no! I tried to find her a couple of years ago and I always hit a wall. No address, nothing registered to her name….it was like she didn't exist. Until one day, I got a call from Henrietta Lange, her operation manager and she assured me that Kensi was perfectly well and that she had moved on."

He got a call from Hetty? Why isn't Deeks surprised that she is hiding behind this.

"I didn't know she was here," Jack continues "and I surely didn't know she was the agent missing. But now, I have to help you guys find her. I owe it to her. And once she is safe, I'll be out of your life. She doesn't even need to know I was here."

Deeks listens carefully to him and even though he should be mad, there is some sincerity in Jack's words. "If you love her, then why did you leave her like that?"

"I told you. I couldn't make her happy. At that time I was like a junkie in constant need for a fix. Only my fix was adrenaline. I felt like I was rotting here. I was useless. She did everything she could but it wasn't enough because I simply didn't want to be saved. I loved her, but I loved my job more."

"Do you realize what you did to her?" Deeks snaps at him "You destroyed her. You killed her. You broke her heart. How could you do that to her? Fine, you wanted out. The least you could do was talk to her. She didn't deserve to be treated like that."

"No she didn't," Jack agrees and stares the ground in shame "she deserved someone better. That is why I left. I am not arguing, I was a coward for sneaking out in the middle of the night. But I couldn't stand to watch the disappointment in her eyes. The misery."

Deeks crosses his arms in front of him. "As I've said, it's not really my business but hear this. I will not let you hurt her again."

Jack smiles. "I didn't plan on it. I don't want to walk in the middle of…something."

Deeks blushes and loses his words. "Something?Thing? What make you think…? There is no….Well there is but….It's complicated and…..I should better stop talking right now."

"You are the man she deserves. You are the man that I couldn't be for her. " Jack states before heading back inside.

Deeks can't answer to that. He just gives him a soft smiles and walks back in the hospital to finally get some sleep. Jack wasn't at all how he pictured him to be. Well, actually his physical appearance was no surprise. Tall and masculine like himself, but with brown neat hair and a hint of stubble, He wonders how Kensi fell in love with two men that are so different. Yes, Jack is not the asshole he always thought he'd be, but still, he seems much more disciplined than himself.

He lies on the couch but his fears don't let him sleep immediately. How will Kensi react to his presence. Should he consider him as a threat?No! She is over him. No matter what they had, it isn't nearly as strong as their own "thing". They share the same love, trust, faith. He can't imagine his life with her by his side. These past 3 months have been a nightmare and he only made it though cause he was confident that Kensi would come back to him. Then, they would finally pick up where they left off.

She loves him.

Even though she hasn't said the actual words, she's proved it with her actions.

She loves him and she would never betray him. Jack is history. She might punch him in the face when she sees him, but that will be it.

Jack chose his life here in Afghanistan, but Kensi chose her life along with Deeks. Soon, all his fears are forgotten. He is hers, and she is his. Nothing and no one will break them apart.

Finally, Deeks manages to close his eyes and drift into the wonderful world of dreams. A world where they are both back home safe and sound. Will it come true, or will the dream turn into a nightmare?


	8. Chapter 8

**A/ T: By now we've all seen the last episode and we all know that Jack is officially back. To be honest with you I really don't trust him and I fear the worst. After the episode it was hard for me to continue writing him as a descent guy...but oh well! I've made him a douche before and this was time for a change. **

**So enjoy! **

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"Deeks! Come on man, wake up," Sam softly nudges the sleeping form of Deeks. Somewhere along the night he had finally managed to close his eyes and allowed himself a bit of a rest.

"Hmmm...what..." he slowly opens his eyes and as soon as his mind is brought back to reality he quickly stands up rubbing his face "I am awake...I am awake!"

His nose instinctively follows the smell of fresh hot coffee as he moves Sam out of his way. Callen is standing right behind him with two steaming cups in his hands. "I figured you'd want a sip," he smirks.

"God, please make this drinkable," Deeks closes his eyes in pleasure as he places the cup on his lips and lets a huge doze of caffeine run through his system. "It's strong, but I wouldn't want it any other way right now. So, do we have any news?" he takes one more sip.

"Booker is awake," Reilly joins the trio and almost makes Deeks choke on his coffee with his exciting statement.

"Really? Can I see him?" he wipes the spilled liquid that drops from his jaw.

"Yes. I've talked with the doctors, he is in room 215 waiting for you."

This is all the invitation Deeks needs and he immediately rushes towards the elevator. The door opens as soon as he presses the button and he hurries inside.

"Aren't you coming?" he asks looking at Callen and Sam.

"He said he would only speak to you," Callen points at him.

"Well, we are a team. If he trusts me, then he should trust you. It's not debatable, you are coming." Deeks pulls them both in the elevator before the doors close, leaving only Jack behind.

Those five seconds that it takes for them to reach the second floor, feels like an eternity to Deeks. Booker must have something vital to share with them.

He has to. He was the last person to have seen Kensi alive. His heart is pounding and his mind is racing. He tries to hide his shaking hands but it's vain. Callen and Sam have already noticed his nervousness but they say nothing. After all, Deeks doesn't need to hear anything from them. Booker's words are important right now.

They quickly walk into the room and find Booker lying on the bed.

He looks pale, rugged and in pain. Deeks wonders if he is really as pugnacious as Kensi once described him to be. His query will soon be answered.

"It took you long enough. I've demanded to speak to you since last night," Booker caustically demands an explanation.

All three agents look at him puzzled.

"They said you were sedated and the anesthetics would take hours to wear off," Deeks tries to justify them, but deep down he is angry at the doctors and nurses. Had they lied to him about his condition? Was he able to talk to Booker all long and now because of them valuable time has been lost?

"Anyway, I only asked for you," Booker points at Deeks. "The others can go."

"No!" Deeks shakes his head. "They are with me and they are staying. Besides, how do you know you can trust me anyway? How do you know I am Deeks?"

"I don't appreciate your sarcasm. Kensi used that tone with me occasionally so I've learned how to distinguish it from plain humor."

Deeks can't help himself but smile. "Well, I don't want to brag, but she learnt from the best."

"She also said you are a cocky Detective with a surfer attitude, who manages to get under everyone's skin. No wonder why she likes you."

Deeks tries to divert his look in order to hide his blushed cheeks, but Callen's smirk makes it obvious that he is busted. So, Kensi has been talking about him….No….There's no time for that. He needs to keep his mind focused.

"Look, I know what happened and we probably don't have much time," Booker continues. Kensi showed me a picture of you and told me if anything happened to her you were the only one I could trust. Actually she mentioned these two goons as well," he points at Callen and Sam "but I can never be too careful. Two can keep a secret. Four is just a threat."

"You said it yourself. Kensi trusts them and I trust them. So please, tell us what you know. Kensi's life may be in danger and we are losing valuable time," Deeks practically begs.

Booker hesitates for a minute before speaking but finally gives in. "Everything went down too quickly. One minute we were setting a trap for the White Ghost and the next minute we are under attack. These masked men came out of nowhere and started shooting at anyone who dared to make a move. After they shot me, I laid bleeding on the ground trying not to make a move or show any sign that I was still alive. But I had a plan. I had a GPS tracker in my hand, so as soon as one of them came close enough to me, I discretely planted it in the pocket of his pants."

All three agents look at each other as they realize the meaning of those words.

"Does that mean we might have a location?" Deeks manages to say full of hope.

"Yes! If it's still transmitting. I don't have the appropriate equipment here, but with my help, your team in LA might be able to track the signal down."

Before they can even blink Callen is already on phone with Eric filling him in on their latest progress.

Deeks approaches Booker and places a hand on his shoulder. "Thank you!" he whispers.

"Just so you know, I told her to stay with me in the panic room. She just didn't listen to me. Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to hear her fight, but not be able to assist her? I am just an analyst. I am not a coward and certainly not a trained fighter."Booker looks down at his hands and a single tear drops down his cheek.

This is such an unlike behavior for the eccentric analyst. Kensi described him as a trustworthy weirdo. Deeks never pictured him to be so...sensitive. Even Kensi would be pleasantly surprised by this softer side of him. This weirdo may have just saved her life. Deeks doesn't say anything. He just smiles at him in gratitude.

Of course he knows how he feels. The same uselessness consumed him as he witnessed the attack over the phone. As he listened to Kensi struggle and fight for her life. And the final strike came when he heard her attacker make the ultimatum.

Just thinking that Kensi might be dead makes his own heart stop.

Four endless months have gone by since she got assigned to this forsaken place, during which time he only got to hear her voice twice. He only got to see her through a selfie she once sent. He often wonders when was the last time he actually saw her.

What was she wearing?

What were the last words she spoke to him?

What were his to her?

He tries to recall their last encounter as often as he can out of fear he might forget it. He hates to admit it - not to mention that Kensi will probably tease him for the rest of his life if she ever finds out - but he often calls her at home just to hear her voice on her answering machine.

God he's missed her.

But now, they are one step closer to finding her. She is still alive, he knows it and he feels it. He refuses to give in his fears so he picks up all his courage and walks out of the room. He will find her no matter what, and he will kill the man who dared to keep her away from him.

Within seconds all three men are back in the car followed by Jack and they head back to base camp to gear up and plan the rescue mission.

At first Deeks was hesitant about whether they should include Jack to the operation, but he soon realizes that they need as much help as they can use. Even if it comes from Kensi's ex-fiancé.

Should he feel threatened by him?

For a reason he can't quite explain, he is not. His instinct tells him he can trust this man despite his past behavior towards Kensi. He genuinely seems eager to help them. Maybe he sees it as an opportunity to redeem himself for his past mistakes.

It is likely Kensi will forgive him once she finds out he was the one who helped them get her back, but in no way she will be willing to allow him back into her life. They are back at base in no time, gathering every available ammo and weapons and soon enough they have the location of the GPS.

They could be walking into a trap, but they don't care. Risk is their middle name. Granger is in no position to follow them, so he decides to run the operation from the base as Deeks, Callen, Sam, Jack and five of his men leave to get their agent back.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/ T: This Tuesday the White Ghost story will come to an end on tv ( at least that's what we all assume), so I am doing my best to have this first part of the story finished by then as well.**

**But trust me it's not over yet. It will never be easy for our beloved couple. At least not any time soon.**

**As always I can't wait to read your reviews. They make soooo happy.**

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Eric and Nell pulled all their strings back in LA and soon enough they traced the signal of the GPS.

"Guys, the signal comes from a remote village just 10 miles east from the base. I am sending you the co-ordinates now."

"Ok, Eric thank you," Callen hung up the phone and checked the massage Eric just sent him "We should be there in 10 minutes."

Deeks ran his hand through his hair in frustration. "All this time she as just a few minutes away from us."

"Don't beat yourself man. We couldn't have known. Just think that this damn operation will be over soon. Focus on relief and joy you'll get to experience later, and not the fear that consumes you right now," Sam tried to be optimistic. He knew that deep down inside, they all feared the worst.

Deeks remained silent.

He usually hides his anguish behind a carefree mask covered in jokes. But not this time. Right now, he can't even form a smile.

What if she is really dead?

What if they are too late?

What if he failed her. This has been his greatest fear since the moment he laid eyes on her. He feared the day he wouldn't be there to protect her.

Yes, Kensi is one tough agent who can absolutely take care of herself and rarely needs to be saved, but she is not invisible. No one is. Behind their bullet proof attitudes they all remain human at the end of the day.

They can all feel pain.

They can all bleed and they can all die.

No!

He can't accept that possibility. She is not dead.

Kensi always told him to always hope for the best, but expect the worst.

He closes his eyes for a brief moment in an attempt to concentrate, but soon her vision distracts him. Her sparkling eyes, her beautiful smile….. everything. That's how he remembers her and that is how he prays to find her.

Alive and unharmed.

He lets out a deep breath and opens his eyes again. The ten minute ride seems endless but finally they reach the deserted village and enter with extreme caution.

Both teams are out of the car in no time, weapons in hands.

"Eric I need an exact location? There are at least 50 residences here. Kensi could be held in any one of them and we don't have time to search the area," Callen asks Eric

"Yes, I am picking up a strong signal as we speak," Eric pauses for a moment "It's the house to your left," he exclaims surprised by their luck

Deeks eagerly makes a step forward to run into the house but finds himself pulled back by Sam.

"We need to be careful. We could be walking into a trap."

"I am sorry, you are right," Deeks nods. "We need plan."

As expected, Callen takes charge.

"Reilly, I need you to scout the area. Search for any sign of intruders. We three are going in."

"Copy that!" Jack agrees and walks towards Deeks before leaving patting his back. "Please find her, ok?"

"I will," Deeks winks.

Once the three men are alone, they double check their ammo and slowly walk into the two storey house.

Even though it broad day light outside, they walk into a complete darkness. All the windows are covered with wooden boards and no electricity is available.

They are forced to use their flash lights in order to strut through the empty rooms of the building. There is no furniture around. Just traces of blood everywhere covered in dust while several bullet holes decorate the walls.

With his weapon drawn, Deeks walks towards the stairs. "You guys stay here, I'll take the second floor."

Callen looks at him worried. "Are you sure we should split?"

"Yes," Deeks doesn't even think about it. "If someone's upstairs I will smoke him down, and you can shoot him before he manages to escape."

"Don't get yourself killed ok?" Sam warns him. "Kensi will never forgive you if you drop dead a few feet away from her."

"I won't, I promise," he turns his back on his senior agents and for the first time in 3 days Deeks gives a genuine smile. Oh, if he really ends up dead, she is capable of bringing him back from the dead just to give him hell.

He takes one step at a time while walking up the stairs doing his best to remain silent, but the rotted wooden steps make his presence noticeable.

He bites his lips every time the boards creak as if that is going to keep the noise down. Finally he reaches the top. He quickly aims at both sides of the hall way and to his relief no one is aiming back at him.

He tries to focus on the sounds surrounding him, but all he hears is the wind blowing and the pounding of his own heart. There are only three doors on the second floor and he checks each room carefully.

First door….empty room.

Second door…..another empty room.

He sighs in disappointment.

Could they have been wrong?

Is the White Ghost gone?

But where is Kensi?

Has he taken her with him?

God, nothing makes sense to him.

They haven't heard from Reilly yet so he guesses the Ghost and his group of terrorists have fled the area.

There's only one door left. This is it. His last chance. He closes he eyes shut and prays to find her alive before knocking the door open.

Then, he sees her.

Her stiff body hanging from the ceiling in the middle of the empty room.

His heart takes over and without even scouting the room for possible threats he runs to her.

Her head is hanging forward, her hair covering her face.

Is she breathing? He can't hear anything but the maddening silence covering the room.

"Kens?" he whispers as he moves a lock of her hair to see her face.

Nothing!

He swallows hard and places his finger on her throat to check for a pulse.

He heart is still beating. Barely, but she is still alive.

He picks the lock of the handcuffs and carefully frees her with one hand while gently holding her with the other.

Once she is free from her bounds he lays her on the floor. That's when he notices the bruises all over her face and her bleeding wrists. With one move he extracts a couple of bandages from his backpack. He came prepared just in case…

Her skin is ice cold, she looks as white as death and he lips have gone purple. He is afraid to touch her out of fear she might break. His hands are trembling part from rage, part from fear, but he gathers all of his strength and covers her wrists with the bandages in an attempt to stop the bleeding.

Whoever did this to her is going to pay. He is going to kill him with his own bare hands.

Suddenly, she flinches slightly at his touch and her eyes open in fear.

"Hey….hey…it's ok it's me. I am here. You are safe now," Deeks whispers to her softly caressing her cheek with his thumb.

She doesn't say anything. She just stares at him trying to figure whether her mind is playing tricks on her again.

Is this person standing above her really Deeks?

Has salvation finally arrived?

Is this nightmare over?

Then, she sees it. The gentle smile than won her over years ago.

"Deeks?" her voice no more than a whisper.

"Yes, it's me! I am going to get you out of here ok? Guys I found her, she is alive," he informs the rest of the team through coms.

"Get her out of here Deeks. Take her back to the car. The house is clear. We are checking the basement right now. We should be out in a few minutes."

"Ok, we'll wait for you outside. Just hurry please. It's bad," he tries to keep his voice low so that Kensi won't hear him, but it doesn't seem to matter anyway. She keeps drifting in and out of consciousness.

He takes out a bottle and places it on her lips, begging her to take a small sip. Who knows when was the last time she ate or drunk anything.

Then, he removes his jacket and covers her with it before placing his hands behind her knees and carefully lifting her off the floor and into his embrace. "Hold on to me ok?"

For the first time in a long time she feels safe in his arms. She breaths him in trying to remember the last time she felt like that. His body so close to hers. His intoxicating scent. His strong arms around her. She can't remember. Instead, memories of these past few days creep into her mind. Then, she remembers her captor and gasps in fear.

"Deeks. It's Max. He is here," he exclaims in panic.

"Shhhh!" Deeks tries to calm her down believing she is hallucinating, but all he manages to do is piss her off more.

"No you don't understand. He is here. Deeks listen to me!" she tries to yell but her voice won't come out. Once she notices that Deeks is not even paying attention to her delirium she fights to escape his embrace.

"Kens, calm down. I told you, you are safe now. I got you!" he tries to keep her still but it is vain.

"Deeks will you listen to me? Max, your brother, he is here. He is after you. He is the Ghost."

Once again Deeks doesn't pay attention to her words. Once they reach the front door of the house he frantically notices that their Humvee is missing. They had parked it right outside for a quick escape, but now it's gone.

"What the hell?" he shouts in frustration.

He places Kensi on the floor right next to the front door but she grabs his t–shirt pulling him close to her.

"Deeks, please listen to me. I am not crazy. I am not hallucinating. Your brother is here."

Her eyes are watery, her voice is steady still.

Deeks looks deep into her eyes and sees her fear. Finally her words hit their target.

Kensi Blye never shows fear, yet somehow the terror is written all over her face. But she is not scared for herself. She is scared for Deeks.

"Max is here?" he finally manages to say trying to process the severity of those words.

Kensi sadly nods.

This is the last thing he expected. The White Ghost was supposed to be a contractor or something. Not his own brother. He runs his hand through his hair and gets up clearly shocked. He can't think straight. What is he supposed to do? The world is spinning around him and his mind runs miles. If this is how crazy people feel like when they are losing their minds, then he is surely going to wake up in a straightjacket the next morning.

He doesn't know what to do or say. He just keeps pacing up and down making Kensi dizzy.

"Ok, this is what we are going to do," he stops in front of Kensi and lowers to her eye level. "The house is clear. You can sit here and wait for Callen and Sam while I go look for the car…..and Max."

"No, Deeks no!" she grabs his t-shirt again refusing to let him go. "Please, stay here with me while we wait for the others. I don't want you alone out there," she desperately begs him.

Deeks softly removes her hands from his t-shirt and kisses them gently. "He is not going to kill me. I am his brother."

"You don't know that," she tries to fight off the tears but it is vain. "He is not the man you think he is."

"Trust me, I know," he wipes her tear with his thumb. "It will never get easy for us, will it?" he smiles at her sadly and abruptly gets up and leaves her all alone.

For the first time in their partnership, he hears her sob and that sound nearly breaks his heart. He practically forces himself to keep on walking and not run back to comfort her. a

He exits the house and raises his gun scouting his surroundings for any kind of movement.

No sign of terrorists.

No sign of the car.

No sign of the Ghost. Then a familiar voice takes him off guard.

"Hello little brother. I've been expecting you."


	10. Chapter 10

**A/T: As promised, here is the new chapter before tomorrow's episode.**

**As always my love to GCallen37 for her help. Girl you are a sweetheart and a beautiful person! Remember that!**

**Can't wait to hear your thoughts.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

Deeks freezes for a second at the sound of that familiar voice. That is the man who spoke to him on the phone the day Kensi was abducted. Kensi was right.

That man is the White Ghost.

That man is his brother.

How could he not recognize him in the first place? Sure, they haven't spoken in years, but he is his brother. He ought to know his voice.

Deeks turned around quickly still holding his gun in his hands, only to find Max holding Kensi at gunpoint only a few feet away from him in the middle of the empty, sandy road.

This is the fifth time he has to witness Kensi being used as leverage and it doesn't feel any easier.

"Max?" his eyes widen in shock.

"Long time no see brother," Max smiles at him while wrapping one hand around Kensi's throat and aiming at her side with the other.

"What...what are you doing? What are you doing here?"

"The question is what are YOU doing? Pointing a gun at your own brother? Your own blood? It's become a habit of you."

"You see...that's my partner you're holding there. Let her go and I'll lower my weapon."

Kensi looks at Deeks straight into his eyes.

She is scared.

She doesn't actually show it, but her eyes betray her. Her eyes never lie to him. He can see her trembling under Max's touch. They've been in this situation again, only this time, the circumstances are different.

The enemy is his own brother and Kensi doesn't urge him to take the shot.

"I can't do that. She is one of them," Max snaps full of malice.

"One of who? What are you talking about?"

"You know what I am talking about. She is a federal agent," he tightens his grip around her neck.

She fights to keep her balance but she is too worn out. She can feel her legs giving out on her, but she doesn't say anything.

Pain has taken over her whole body. Her throat remains dry. She is thirsty and bleeding and weak. This time she can't ask Deeks to take the shot.

She doesn't expect him to kill his brother just to save her. She can't possibly demand such sacrifice.

"That's true! She is a federal agent which means she is working for our side," Deeks tries to explain.

"No! That's what they make you believe. They are killers. They send people here under false pretenses. What business do we have half way across the world huh? Why are the only troops in this country? Did you ever think about that? It's all about power. The Government wants to spread its tentacles; they want power. And we, marines, soldier, seals, agents...we are the means to it. We are just their puppets. Do you know what they did to me? They used me. They used my skills and will to kill. And then, when they had enough of me, they pulled me out. They called me unreliable and a loose cannon. I followed their orders to the letter and this was how they thanked me. They called me crazy and tried to lock me down."

"Listen, from what I understand you suffered from Post Traumatic Stress. Maybe you still do. Trust me, I've been there. I know what it feels like trying to find a reason to live. Trying to feel the void in your heart and mind. "

"I am sorry brother but you have no idea what it feels like. Did they ever tell you I tried to look for you? I needed your help but you were nowhere to be found. I needed your support and you bailed on me."

"I didn't know you needed my help. You know me well enough. If I had known you were in trouble I would have come to your aid. I would do anything within my power to help you. Don't forget that I came to visit you in juvie countless times but you always refused to see me. YOU walked out on me. Not the other way round."

"I only tried to protect you," Max tries to justify himself.

"Just listen to me. Trust me. Let her go and I will help you now. It's never too late," Deeks sucked in a deep breath trying to overpower his rising panic.

"No! She needs to be punished. She is a sniper. A coward killer. First chance she got she would have pulled the trigger to kill me."

"Like you said, she was just following orders. Let her go!" Deeks shouts.

"No! I need to make an example of her. Anyone who comes after me, dies. To be honest with you, I didn't expect her to make it through the night, but she in one tough bitch; I give her that. She thought I was going to kill you. She wanted to protect you by keeping you away from me. She must really care about you since she was willing to die for you!" he laughs at the irony.

"And I care about her. I am sorry but can't let anything happen to her," Deeks voice softens a bit.

"What is this little brother?" Max squints his eyes.

"Are you fucking her? Is this what it's all about? Well, I can't blame you, she is one nice piece of ass. If I had more time I would have tasted her myself," he removes his hand from her throat and roughly cups her breasts.

Kensi struggles in discomfort and tries to remove his hands from her body, but she is too weak to defend herself. She hates this feeling if uselessness.

"Don't touch her!" Deeks yells and makes one step forward in anger.

"Oh, come on! Remember when we were kids? We used to share all our toys."

"She is not a toy to play with."

"I've got a shot!" suddenly Jack's voice is heard through the coms and that's when Deeks sees him is standing a few feet behind Max, waiting to take it.

"No! Don't shoot!" Deeks yells in panic. "Don't kill him. I can handle him."

In the meantime, Callen and Sam are waiting impatiently inside the house where Kensi was held. They haven't made a move out of fear of alarming Max, but they have waited long enough.

Both of them were left speechless when Max addressed to Deeks as a brother.

All of them have kept parts of their private lives secret, but not Deeks. He is an open book or at least that's what he pretends to be.

How could he not mention a brother during all these years. He surely must have had a reason, but they are running out of time and patience right now. Questions will be asked later. All that is important now, is freeing Kensi from the custody of this lunatic.

"Deeks! Are you sure you can you handle him?" Callen asks, the deep concern and shock evident in his voice.

Deeks lets out a deep breath. "Yes. I will finish this."

Max is taken off guard by the sudden commotion and tightens his grip around Kensi's throat in defense.

"I see you are not alone! Are your friends going to shoot me or are you going to shoot me like you shot our father?"

"He deserved it."

"Do I deserve it?"

"Please, don't make me chose," he pleads him with his eyes. He knows deep down that if it comes down it, he will pull the trigger. Even if that means killing his own brother.

"The fact that you are even considering your choice makes you an even bigger disappointment. I am ashamed of you. I would have given you everything you ever wanted," Jack tightens his grip around Kensi's neck again.

"You don't know what I want," Deeks bluntly responds.

"You always wanted to help people. Well, this is your chance," Max isn't ready to give up on Deeks yet. He desperately wants to recruit him.

"These are the enemies Max. I won't do anything to help them," he once again declines his brother's offer.

"You forget one thing Marty. You could have been me. We are twins, therefore not as different as you may believe. The same blood runs through our veins. We share the same genes."

"I am not like you. I will never be like you."

"You could have been me!" Max shouts one last time but before he has the chance to pull the trigger on Kensi Deeks fires his weapon first and shoots him on the shoulder.

Max grins is pain and loses his balance but he doesn't drop his gun. During those milliseconds, Kensi finds the opportunity to escape his grip but she is not fast enough.

Max grabs her arm and pulls her close to him only to pistol whip her hard across the face.

The impact takes her by surprise as she feels her legs giving up on her and she lands, head first, on a nearby rock.

"Max, don't move!" Deeks shouts on top of his lung.

He wants to run to Kensi but fears that as soon as he lowers his own weapon Max will fire his. But he will not aim at him. He will aim to kill Kensi.

"Max, I am not going to ask you again, drop you weapon and get away from her." Deeks yells again.

"Dad was right Marty. You are a huge disappointment and I hate you too," Max's words are filled with venom.

Suddenly everything is clear to Deeks. This man standing in front of him is not the brother he once knew. Well, to be honest, he never really knew him that much.

When Deeks was staying home hiding under his bed to avoid their abusive father, Max was always out leading his gang.

When Deeks shot their father to protect himself and their mother, Max was robbing another drug store.

When their mother died Deeks stayed by her side till the end while Max was touring though South America.

When Deeks tried to make something out of himself, Max kept throwing away every opportunity he had for a better future.

When Deeks tried to contact him, Max shut him out.

Unlike Callen and Sam, Max has never really been a brother to Deeks.

Doubt, fear and dilemma are no longer clouding his judgment.

Suddenly, time seems to be standing still. He takes a look at Kensi's lifeless body lying on the ground and his face hardens. She is pale and covered in blood. The bruises on her face seem more vivid under the light of the bright sun and he knows they are all results of this man who dares to call Deeks his brother.

No one hurts Kensi and gets to live. No one!

All Deeks needs is one clear shot and he's got it. His breathing is even, his hands are steady.

Without blinking an eye he quickly aims at Max and fires his gun. One bullet to the heart is enough and Max drops dead on the ground.

Finally, this nightmare is over. Callen, Sam and Reilly run to Kensi's aid, while Deeks unconsciously walks towards his dead brother.

He should be rejoicing now that the threat is dead, but an uncharacteristic sorrow takes over his heart. He kneels next to his lifeless body and swallows hard as he checks for a pulse.

Nothing…..

Max's eyes are still wide open staring at the void and Deeks gently covers them with his hand to shut them.

A lump begins to form in his throat and he tries to divert his look from his dead brother.

He gets up and looks over at Kensi.

He should be the one holding her, whispering comforting words in her ear, but sadly he has been replaced.

Jack is already kneeled right next to her softly caressing her cheek.

Apart from all her previous bruises, her landing on the rock has granted her now a deep cut on her forehead.

Sam quickly removes his scarf from his neck, pours some water on it from his bottle and hands it over to Jack to clean her wound.

As soon as the wet cloth makes contact with the bleeding wound, Kensi flinches in pain and opens her eyes.

"Hey hey…." Jack whispers to her " It's over now, you are safe."

Deeks witnesses the awkward scene but is unable to react. His whole body has gone numb and his mind blank. He looks like a lost soul.

Kensi tries hard to focus on the figure above her. Her vision is blurry at first but then she sees him.

"Jack?" she exclaims in shock before fading away leaving both Callen and Sam speechless and staring at Deeks unresponsive form.


	11. Chapter 11

The adrenaline has finally worn off.

Callen, Sam and Jack tend the injured Kensi, while Deeks remains still above the dead body of his brother. He shivers, feeling the weight of the situation descend on him

He had killed his own brother. Sure, he was a terrorist and a cold blooded murderer who wouldn't hesitate to put a bullet in Kensi's head, but he remained his brother.

He swallows hard and passes his trembling hands through his hair. He can't lose it right now. Kensi still needs him.

He hears the horn of their Humvee and for the first time he manages to take his eyes off of Max. Reilly's men found it hidden somewhere within the small village but there is no sign any more Afghans.

Max was alone after all.

He watches Jack carefully carry the unconscious Kensi into the car and desperately wants to run to her. He should be the one holding her. He should be the one whispering reassuring words to her. But somehow, he can't even move. He watches everyone move in fast forward, yet his whole body feels unresponsive and numb.

He dives deeper and deeper into his trance until Callen's hand brought him back to reality.

"Are you ok?" he asked obviously worried.

Deeks opened his mouth, but no words seemed to come out. He was just able to nod.

"We gotta go, Kensi needs to get the hospital," Callen practically forces Deeks to follow him into the car but Deeks stops halfway and turns his attention back to Max.

"What about him? Shouldn't we get him too? We can't just leave him here."

Callen shrugs his shoulder not knowing how to respond even though he surely expected this demand from Deeks.

"Fine," Callen closes his eyes in approval. "Reilly can take him in their Humvee. You should be the one with Kensi right now. She needs you."

"I know, I know," Deeks whispers and runs over to Kensi.

They have lain her down on the back seat and she is still unconscious. With each passing minute the bruises on her face seem somehow even more vivid than before. Her wrists are still bleeding soaking the bandages Deeks had used to tend them. Her skin is ice cold. Deek's jacket and the blanket they covered her with don't seem to have any effect on her shivering body.

The ride to the hospital is filled with awkward silence. Both Callen and Sam feel the need to address the elephant in the room, but they know better than that. Right now Deeks needs space and time. He needs to process what just went down and deal with it the best way he only knows.

Hopefully Kensi will remain by his side, and they will heal their traumas together. Both physically and emotionally.

Once they arrive at the hospital Kensi is hurried into the emergency room and Max's dead body is wheeled to the morgue.

Deeks heart is torn. Should he remain with Kensi, or should he say his final goodbye to his brother. The doctors are working on her, performing all the necessary tests, so he might have some time. He owes it to himself.

He is sitting in the waiting area along with Callen and Sam. Jack headed back to the base to report to Granger.

He is sitting in absolute silence, rubbing his finger with his thumb. The finger he used to pull the trigger against his own brother. He needs to know why. Why did he brother choose to go down this road? Why did he force him out of his life. Why weren't they ever close? He has all these questions haunting his mind but he knows he will never find the answers now. It's too late.

Suddenly, he gets up. "I' m going….."

He doesn't need to finish his sentence. Callen and Sam can only assume where he wants to be and just nod.

By now they know Deeks all too well.

Self blame is what he is good at. He is torn between his mind and his heart but they wish once Kensi is awake, all his doubts and regrets will be gone.

He patiently waits for the elevator when he feels Sam's hand on his shoulder.

"Are you sure you want to do this alone?" he asks worried.

"Yes," Deeks sighs.

He takes three deep breaths to keep his composure but it is not enough. He lets out a silent angry cry and punches the wall until he knuckles bleed.

Sam uses all of his force to restrain him from hurting himself even more.

"Calm down man, this isn't you!"

"What the hell did I do Sam?" he asks with tears in his eyes.

"You saved your partner from a terrorist. That's what you did," Sam tries to calm him down but it is vain.

"No," Deeks shakes he head. "I just killed my own brother and I didn't even think twice."

"What would you rather do? Let him kill Kens? You've seen what he did to her. He was a sadistic son of a bitch."

"Well that son of a bitch happened to be my brother as well," Deeks whispers sadly.

"This is scaring me Sam. I don't even recognize myself anymore. I am beginning to understand this whole frozen lake reference now."

"How do you know about Sayoc" Sam looks at him surprised.

"Kensi once told me. And she was right. This….thing…..it's destroying us. She was willing to die rather than give me up, and I killed my own flesh and blood in order to protect her. This isn't a healthy relationship Sam. It's destroying us."

Sam places his hands on Deeks shoulders again.

"This, my friend, is pure love."

"This is stupid. This job is insane. I am a cop Sam. I am trained to take down killers, burglars, drug dealers…..I am not trained for the freaking war zone. When I accepted this position, no one warned be about re-assignments and Afghanistan, and Callen's open vendetta, and torture, and putting our lives at risk on a daily basis. I was not prepared for that and I maybe am still not."

"Listen Deeks, I understand that you are in shock and unable to think straight at the moment, but you need to be patient. You felt the same way right after the Sidorov case, but somehow you managed to pick up your broken pieces and came back stronger than ever."

"I feel like I lost a part of me back then. And I feel the same way right now too. I am slowly losing myself."

Just don't make any decision you might regret later."

"Don't worry," Deeks smiled sadly "I can't make any decision right now even if I wanted to. "

"You made the right call man. If you hadn't taken that shot you would be visiting Kensi in the morgue right now. Is that what you want?"Sam makes this final statement before walking away.

Deeks sucks in a breath as Sam's words hit their mark.

Of course that is not what he wants. If he had to do it again he would make the same choice, and that's what scares him.

He walks into the morgue and the coroner grants him a few minutes alone with his brother.

Max's lifeless body lays on the table half covered with a sheet. Deeks pulls the chair and sits right next to him.

"I am sorry," he whispers "but you gave me no choice."

His mind battles his heart.

Deep down inside he knows he made the right call but he feels compelled to apologize anyway.

Then again, he could have shot him in the leg, or his hand…..or anywhere….

He tries to recall their childhood, trying to pinpoint the exact moment when Max lost himself, but memories of them as loving bothers are slim to none.

Why does it hurt so much? Max was never a part of his life. You can't miss someone you never had, but still it hurts. No! Now that he thinks about it, it's not pain. It's anger. He is angry at Max for forcing him to make this lethal decision.

His brother was always a troubled kid but he never imagined he was capable of going this far.

Turning into a terrorist?

Betraying his country?

Killing soldier that once fought side by side with him?

Torturing Kensi?

Kensi! Images of her hanging from that ceiling whirl in his mind.

He shot her, beat her and left her to die.

This man is not his brother and he doesn't deserve Deeks guilt. This man is a monster.

Suddenly everything is clear. If this had been any other man he would have killed him the moment he laid eyes on him.

Kensi is his whole world and just thinking he could have lost her because of Max, drives him up the wall.

He tries to control his anger but soon his brain explores new dark territories. Did he do more than physically hurt her? Did he ra….Oh, he can't even dare to say the word.

No. He was a sadistic bastard. If he had done something so cruel he would surely brag about it.

He buries his head in his hands clenching his fists in an attempt to control his wrath. He wants to hit someone. He wants to hurt someone. Last time he felt this way was when Hetty informed him of Kensi's reassignment.

Is it possible that Hetty knew?

Is this why she specifically asked for Kensi?

But why?

Why didn't she inform him? He was the one that ought to know. It still doesn't make any sense.

God, he hates Hetty right now. She has always been a mother figure to him but this time she's crossed every single line. She has some serious explaining to do once they get back home.

And on top of everything, there is Jack.

Should he be threatened by him? How will Kensi react to his unexpected presence? He knows she needs closure on that matter, but not under such circumstances. They are notexactly ideal!

Why does it always have to be so difficult for him and Kensi? They are always on different pages. Always somewhere else. And after this mission, he is pretty sure things can't go back to the way it used to. They can't pick up where they left.

He's been there. He's experienced tortured and he understands how broken she must be feeling.

After his own torture he hoped she would never have to endure such kind of physical pain and emotional breakdown. He had told her face to face. Oh, the irony.

Sidorov held him captive for a few hours. Kensi was held prisoner for more than two days.

He can't even dare to think what she went through. He bets she didn't give Max the satisfaction of showing any sign of pain and pulled out the fearless mask flawlessly. But what crossed her mind as she waited for death's peaceful salvation.

He gets up shoving violently the wheel chair backwards and looks at Max for one last time.

"I am sorry you didn't want to be saved."

He lets out a deep breath and exits the room. His steps are steady, his heart beat is back to normal, his mind is finally clear.

This man is not his brother. He never was.

Callen and Sam are his brothers.

He was an outsider but they accepted him in their little family – even if it required some time. They trust him, support him and followed him half way across the world to save not only his partner, but his girl.

Blood doesn't make a family. The heart does.

And his heart belongs to NCIS.

He walks back to the waiting room where Callen and Sam are still waiting drinking coffee.

He looks over at Sam and winks his eye as a proof that he's pulled himself together– well, sort of – and they have nothing to worry about.

A cup of hot coffee is already waiting for him on the table, but before he has time to take a sip a doctor comes in.

"Are you here for agent Blye?"

"Yes, " Deeks respond as Callen and Sam stand up as well. "How is she?" he asked

"Your agent has been through a lot. She's got fractured ribs as well as wrists. The hand cuffs have cut deep into her skin. Dehydration has caused a kidney infection which we are fighting with strong antibiotics. Her most serious injury is the skull fracture. CT has showed she sustained more than one blows on the head but it is not life threatening. We have her on morphine for the pain and we sedated so that she can get some rest."

Deeks sighs relieved. "Can I see her?"

"As I've said she is highly won't even know you are there but I'll have a nurse escort you to her room."

Deeks gives the doctor a smile of appreciation and follows the brunette nurse to the 3rd floor. Any other day he would probably make a move on her, but those days are long gone.

There is only one woman in his life and he no longer feels the need to impress any sexy nurses. All he wants to do is touch her skin, smell her scent, hold her in his embrace and feel her body close to him. Four months is way too long to be away from the person you love. And yes, he loves her. He is no longer afraid to show it or shout it for the whole world to hear.

He nearly lost her, so he is determined to make every second of the rest of their lives count.

He walks into her room and even though a part of him hopes she is awake he knows she will be sleeping.

And there she is, laying on the white sheets of the bed fully surrendered to Orpheus.

He approaches the bed and leans forward to kiss her forehead. "Hey Fern," he whispers.

He doesn't expect her to respond but he waits for a few seconds anyway for her to open her eyes.

They have cleaned her up from all the blood but these last few days are written all over her face and body.

The color of her skin is as white as death. Her face is bruised and swollen. Her lips are cut. The wound above her eye is stitched. Both wrists are bandaged and carefully resting on each side of the bed.

He can't help but wonder if there are any more scars hiding under the hospital gown. He desperately wants to touch her, but he is afraid he might hurt her. She looks like a porcelain doll on the verge of breaking.

He pulls the only available chair in the room close to the bed and crushes on it. Thankfully it is comfortable, but he feels so tired and exhausted right now that he doesn't even care.

Frankly, he could use a hot bath but he will have to wait. He knows he probably stinks – and the stench will most likely wake Kensi up – but he can't bring himself to get up.

All his body functions were put on hold during these last past days and now they once again up and working. He tries to remember when was the last time he ate a proper meal and soon his stomach answers back with a growl.

_"A long time,"_ he thinks smiling.

Callen seems to have read his mind cause he soon comes walking through the door bearing gifts. A huge sandwich in his hands and a carton of juice.

"I know it isn't much, but it's all they had," he apologizes handing them over to Deeks.

"Don't worry, it's perfect," he smiles back and greedily take a huge bite from the sandwich.

"Do you think she'll mind that I am eating a sandwich while she will have to settle for the hospital jello?" he asks with his mouth half full.

Callen shakes his head smiling. "I don't think so man. After all you did cross half the world to save her life."

"At what cost though," Deeks thinks but he doesn't verbally express the words.

He can't hide from Callen though. He can see right through his carefree mask. "How are you handling this?"

Deeks swallows his bite and shrugs his shoulders. "I don't know! To be honest with you, I am not ready to talk about it yet."

"Don't do this Deeks. Don't shove your feelings under the carpet. In a few hours Kensi is going to wake up and she will need you by her side. You won't be able to help her unless you deal with your own emotions first."

"Listen, I know I made the right call. But you have to understand that despite all, he was my brother. It might take me some time to get over it."

"I do understand," Callen nods. "But you have to realize you are not alone in this. We are here to help you walk out of this darkness that's obviously consuming you. Not long ago, Kensi helped you find yourself. Now it's your turn to return the favor."

"I am not going to let her down, if that's what you fear," Deeks says kind of offended.

"I know you won't," Callen seems certain. "Sam and I are heading back to the base. The doctor said that with the appropriate medical support we can take home as soon as possible. I've already talked to Hetty and she is having a jet come and pick is up."

"So it's true then. It's over. We are going home!" Deeks exclaims in joy.

"Yes! Give her our love once she wakes up. We'll be back in a few hours.

Callen exits the room leaving behind a clearly excited Deeks. To be honest, he is excited and scared at the same time. He remembers how lost he was after his personal ordeal and fears that was just the tip of the iceberg compared to what Kensi must be feeling right now.

For sure she is strong- possibly the strongest, bravest woman he has ever met – but even the hardest of rocks can shutter into pieces. Even the strongest metals can melt down.

She will try and shut him out. He knows she will. But he is known for his stubbornness and he is not willing to give up on her.

She flew all the way to New York to get him his favorite Cronut. He is insane enough toll fly to Mexico just to get her an original burrito. To France for a fresh Spain for a rich Greece for a traditional China for her favorite Dongpo Pork.

Anything she asks, he is willing to deliver because he simply wants to make her happy.

Without realizing it, he dozes off right on the chair and wakes up two hours later at the sound of Kensi's soft moan.

He gets up quickly and rushes to her side. She seems to be fighting the anesthetics as her eyes struggle to open.

"Kens? Can you hear me?" he removes a lock of her hair from her face softly rubbing her cheek.

She unconsciously tires to shift her body but the pain makes her face stiffen.

"Hey…hey relax. I am here," he gently holds her hand. "Can you hear me?"

It's disturbing seeing her fight for control over her own body. He wants to help her; Kiss away her pain, but he doesn't know how.

Finally, she opens her eyes, those mismatching eyes he had missed so much. "Welcome back," he smiles at her.

To his surprise though, the look she gives back to him is not the loving look he expected. It's filled with terror and uncertainty.

With one sudden move she shoves away his hand and gasps in fear.

"Get away from me," she tries to yell but her voice is faint.

"Kens, it's me, calm down," he reaches for her hand again but she draws back almost falling off the bed.

"I said stay away from me," she warns him again dead serious.

Before his mind has time to process what is happening, the door opens and in walks the doctor accompanied by two nurses.

"What happened?" the doctor asks confused making his way to Kensi.

Deeks moves out of their way and runs his hands through his hair. "I don't know. She just woke up but she doesn't seem to know who I am."

"I know who you are," Kensi snaps at him. "You shot me! You tried to kill me. Call security and have this man arrested," she orders the doctor.

"Kens it's me, Deeks!" he makes a step forward but Kensi raises her hand in defense.

"Don't come any closer. I am telling you this man shot me, please call my security now,"she pleads again.

But the doctor and nurses don't seem to pay any attention to her delirium. Instead, they take her by surprise and inject her with a mild sedative.

"What are you doing?" she yells at them. "Aren't you listening to me? This man tried to kill me…."

Her voice fades away as the sedatives run though her system and she lays back on the bed again.

"Do you remember your name?"the doctor asks.

Kensi remains silent for a second, her eyes struggling to remain open.

"Kensi Blye," she finally manages to whisper.

"What about this man?" he points to Deeks. "Do you know his name?"

Kensi glares at him one last time before giving up. "No!" is all she is able to say before drifting off.

Deeks stares at her in complete shock and then turns his attention to the doctor.

"What the hell just happened?"


	12. Chapter 12

**A/T: Don't be disappointed by what's next guys! Trust me! I want nothing more than seeing our beloved couple happily together!**

**As always a huge thank you to all of you who follow/ favorite and review and of course to my girl Callen37 for her help!**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

Deeks is forced to wait in the waiting area of the hospital for the third time in almost two days and he pacesd nervously up and down the room. He tries to understand what just happened but there is no logical explanation and his frantic train of thought was soon disturbed by Callen and Sam.

"We got your call, what happened?" Callen asks, the worry is evident in his voice.

"I don't know," Deeks sighs "One minute she is sleeping and the next one she is having a panic attack. She was yelling and shouting at me to stay away from her. I am not kidding, if she had a gun in her possession she would have shot me," any other day such comment would be considered comic relief, but not this time.

This time he is dead serious.

"Maybe she was still in shock and confused you with Max," Callen tries to justify this weird behavior.

"No!" Deeks shakes his head "It's like she didn't even recognize me. She didn't know my name."

"Amnesia?" Sam frowns his eyebrows.

"I don't think so," Deeks raises his hands and rests them on his head "I mean…..she knew who she was. She knew her own name."

They all try to put the pieces of the puzzle together but nothing seemed to fit and Deeks feels like he is losing his mind. Again! Just when he thought it was all over and they can finally go to – what's left – of their normal lives, he gets another kick in the face. He can't help but wonder if this is some kind of God's sadistic games.

Does he find pleasure in giving them hell?

No! Things could be worse.

He shouldn't be disrespectful.

Things could be worse, and they surely can get better.

All they have to do is think positive.

A few minutes go by and the doctor comes in at last.

"Is she ok?" Deeks hurries to him.

"It depends on how you define ok."

"With all due respect doctor, I am not in the mood for games," Deeks runs his hand through his messy hair.

"I am sorry. I didn't mean to upset you," the doctor places his hand on Deeks shoulder for a moment "Agent Blye seems to suffer from Retrograde Amnesia."

"What….what the hell does that mean?" all three men look at the doctor confused.

"Your agent has been through a very traumatic experience which in addition to the several head injuries it has caused what we call Retrograde Amnesia. It is the loss of memories before the incident. In some cases the memory loss can extend back decades, while in others, the patient may lose only a few months or even days of memory," the doctor tries his best to describe the situation as simply as possible.

Deeks covers his eyes with his hand to hide his disappointment. "I've known Kensi for almost five years, but she didn't seem to remember me. Does this mean she's lost at least five years of her life?"

"I am afraid so. Anyway, you are her colleagues. You people know her better than anyone. You are the only people who can evaluate the extent of her memory loss."

"But…..but she remembered my face. Surely she didn't know my name, but she remembered my face. She remembers me standing in front of her less than 24 hours ago," Deeks desperately tries to hold on to some hope.

"She probably remembers your face because you were somehow linked to her threat, or her trauma. But that's it. Don't expect any more from her."

"Will her memory ever come back?" Deeks fears the answer.

"In time. It hasn't been scientifically proved that her memory can be recovered from simply re-exposing her to personal past experiences and intimate details. It can help, but fortunately, memory can be and usually is recovered due to spontaneous recovery. Like I said, it might take some time but you all need to be patient. She needs stability in her life and get accustomed to her reality as soon as possible."[GC1]

"Can we see her?" Deeks asks practically begging for a positive answer.

"Yes," the doctor smiles. "Please, try not to upset her. You can imagine how shocked she must be feeling."

Deeks sucked in a deep breath before all three men walk towards Kensi's room. He tries to find the right words to say to her, but his mind is blank.

During all these months he had dreamt of the day he would reunite with his partner; his girl. He used to close his eyes and picture her sleeping in his arms like she did that one night. That night when everything seemed perfect, but unfortunately time couldn't stand still.

This sci-fi scenario though, never crossed his mind. After dealing with potential abduction and death, amnesia had now taken the wheel of bad fortune.

His heart accelerated as they reached her room and slowly opened the door.

She was not laying on the bed anymore.

The back of the bed has been lifted up so that she could sit comfortably. During her previous outburst, she tore her IV line and blood was spilled all over the sheets. But now everything had been cleaned up. They had even put her in a new gown.

She stared at the window right opposite to her bed, but they doubted she was paying any attention to the scenery outside.

Her gaze is blank and lost. Her features are stiff; as if she is trying really hard to concentrate but she apparently fails as she shakes her head in utter frustration and defeat.

"Can we come in?" Callen softly asks through the half open door.

"Callen?" she exclaims, excited to finally hear a familiar voice "Yes, please come in."

She is overwhelmed by this flood of emotions. Relief, joy, fear, panic…..all at once.

Callen walks in, followed by Sam and a very reluctant Deeks.

He doesn't approach her bed.

He just stands still next to the door as he watches Kensi hugs in relief her two co-workers.

"I guess you remember us huh?" Sam jokes.

"How could I forget you guys. I spend more time around you than my own house," she smiles, but even that faint smile makes her bruised face hurt.

"I bet they have already informed you about our location, but do you remember why you're here?" Callen steps into recovery mode at once.

"We are in Afghanistan, that much I know. I can only assume we are working on a mission?" she asks hoping she got the right answer, and suddenly it feels like she is back in school giving an exam.

"You were on a mission, we are just here to help," Sam adds.

Then, she spotted Deeks at the corner of her eye and swallowed hard.

"What about him?" her eyes pointed towards his direction "Who is he?"

Callen turns and looks at Deeks. "That's your partner, Marty Deeks. Don't you remember him?"

She remains silent for a moment.

"I don't know. I think I remember his face pointing a gun at me, but then again, it feels like someone has put all of my memories in a blender and I don't know what's real and what's not. I can't even place them in the right chronological order."

Her voice cracks as she tries to hold back her tears. She may not remember yesterday, but she remembers who she is. A highly skilled agent who is always in control.

Right now though, she can't even control her own mind and it pisses her off. Suddenly, she feels unable to sustain this whole flood of emotions and she starts to shake.

Sam holds her hand and tries to calm her down "You are right. I don't know why you remember that, but you are right. He was pointing a gun, but not at you. He was aiming the terrorist that was holding you hostage. He saved you."

Kensi looks at Deeks in shock. "He saved me? But….I think I remember a gunshot…and….and I got a gunshot wound on my shoulder. I thought he….."

"No," Sam shakes his head "you were shot before we found you. Yes, Deeks took a shot but it was aimed at your captor. Not you!"

She doesn't know how to respond to this new information.

Well, basically everything sounds new right now. But she never pictured this shaggy man to be her partner. He is so…..different than the last partner she remembers or any other agents she has met for that matter. He hasn't got the looks of an NCIS Agent and he surely doesn't look like he belongs here in the war zone.

She takes out a deep breath "So, I guess I owe you an apology and a thank you," she addresses to Deeks.

For the first time since he walked into her room their eyes lock. He hopes his look will trigger something in her and will miraculously regain all her memories, but nothing. She just closes her eyes in appreciation and nodded.

Deeks doesn't show it, but that had felt like a dagger through his already bleeding heart. He bites his lip in a desperate attempt to hold back his tears and right now it seems it's working.

The woman who means the world to him can't even acknowledge who he is. She doesn't know how much of his own self he sacrificed to save her.

He needed her right now. He needed to hold her in his arms but his whole world is falling apart around him. Well, not yet. Kensi will give the final lethal strike with her next question.

"Where is Jack?" she asks frightened "he must be worried. Has anyone contacted him?"

All three men look at each other shocked. She remembers Jack? How is even that possible? She recalls Jack and her partnership with Callen and Sam, but not what happened in the meantime? It doesn't make sense.

Suddenly the knife plunges deeper into Deeks heart.

The awkward silence that surrounds the room triggers alarm bells in Kensi's mind and her eyes are suddenly filled with tears. "Please don't tell me he's…"

"Don't worry, he's fine," Callen answers before she has time to finish her sentence.

"Oh thank God," she sighs in relief.

"Actually," Deeks makes one step forward "he is here in Afghanistan."

Callen and Sam stare at him with doubt in their eyes.

What the hell is he doing?

"Really?" Kensi gives her first true smile since they all walked into the room.

"Yeah," Deeks rubs his neck nervously. "You know what.. I am going to call him right now and inform him that you are awake."

Callen shakes his head in disapproval. Why would he submit her to such a lie? By encouraging this utopia she still has in her head, he will only confuse her more.

Deeks walks out of the room and leans forward supporting his hands on his knees. This was a bad idea. This was a really bad idea and only now does he see it. But he couldn't break her heart. He didn't have the stomach to shatter her already damaged little world.

He is willing to do anything to keep her safe, happy and above all, sane. Even if that means throwing Kensi into the hands of his rival. Well, actually he doesn't consider Jack as a threat of any kind. He has made it clear that he is not interested at all in winning Kensi back. He cares about her. A part of him may even still love her, but not in a romantic way. Above all, he is in love with his job.

He takes three deep breaths to gather all his strength and takes out his phone dialing Jack's number.

After only two rings Jacks answers the call worried "Deeks? Is Kensi alright?"

He doesn't know how to answer to that.

"Deeks!" Jack raises his voice.

"Hmm….yeah, she is awake and fully functional…but listen….I need your help," his voice cracks.

"Anything. Just name it."

"We have a situation here, and I would really appreciated it if you came by," just saying these words break his heart.

"Ok, " Jack agrees but he is clearly confused. "I'll be there as fast as I can."

Deeks is once again trapped in the waiting area. He can't go back to that room. He can't bare Kensi treating him like a complete stranger.

There is only so much he can take, and right now he feels like he has reached his breaking point. Deep down he knows the guys are right. He should have told her the truth but it's too late now. There is no turning back.

Finally Jack arrives and walks frantically towards Deeks.

"What's wrong?"

Deeks doesn't get up from his chair. "We need to talk first. Sit down."

"Man, you are scaring me," Jacks sits on the chair right next to him.

"Kensi woke up and she is fine physically, but…" he pauses for a moment.

"But?"

"She has amnesia!"

Jack's jaw drops in shock.

"Calm down," Deeks raises his hand, "the doctor reassured us that it is only temporally, a side affect to her physical and emotional trauma."

"She doesn't remember anything?"

"No, she remembers quite a lot. She knows who she is and that she works for the NCIS….she remembered Callen and Sam…."

"But she doesn't remember you," Jack finishes the sentence.

"No," Deeks shakes his head and lookes at the floor trying to avoid eye contact. "But she remembers you!"

"What?" Jack exclaims in shock.

"She thinks you are still together."

"Please, tell me you told her the truth."

Deeks shakes his head in shame. "She is extremely vulnerable right now and needs to be surrounded by familiar faces and people she trusts. Maybe she'll feel safer around you."

Jack lays back on the chair. "This is not right. We shouldn't be lying to her. The sooner she gets accustomed to the truth the easier the transition to reality will be for her."

"Well, it is what it is now. Just play along with it. Will you?" Deeks says a bit frustrated.

"Fine," Jack gets up. "I'll play along, but that doesn't mean I approve."

They slowly walk back to Kensi's room and Deeks has already regretted his decision. He feels like he is playing her, lying to her face. But he can't think of a better plan. To her, he is a stranger. Someone who simply claims to be her co-worker. It was hard for her to open up to him when they were friends and partners. Now that he is just a face, it will be impossible.

The moment they open the door and Jack walks in, Kensi's face brightens and she effortlessly gives him a huge smile. That was the final blow for Deeks. This should have been her reaction to his presence. Not Jack's.

Jack moves close to the bed and as soon as he is in reaching distance, she grabs his t-shirt and pulls him close clinging on to him.

"Thank God you're here," she whispers close to his ear and bursts into tears of joy.

Deeks can't handle this anymore.

This is just too much.

The woman he loves is seeking comfort in another man's arms.

He thought he could do it, but he is not strong enough. This is not right. He can't breathe; he is suffocating and in immediate need of air. Without any warning he turns his back on everyone and practically runs outside.

Kensi doesn't even notice his absence as she is too preoccupied with Jack. Thankfully though, Callen and Sam – who had kept an eye on him during the whole time just in case – follow him outside.

They find him sitting on the floor with his back against the wall and his face buried in his hands. Callen and Sam share meaningful looks as they can only understand what his going through.

"Give her some time man," Sam lowers himself to his level "and remember, you were the one that brought him here."

"I know," he wipes the single tear off his face hoping that they didn't notice it. "I killed my own brother to save her, and she doesn't even remember me. Not in the slightest. She chose to remember this guy, who left her without any explanation on Christmas Day."

"She didn't choose to forget you. Don't blame her," Sam stands up again.

"I'm not blaming her," Deeks tried to keep his voice level even but his emotions are rapidly consuming him "I don't even know who to blame for this freaking mess. Should I blame Max, after all he is the reason we got sucked in this situation. Should I blame Hetty for authorizing her reassignment in the first place? Or better yet, should I blame myself? Because let's be honest. Hetty sent her here because of me! If I hadn't taken her out to dinner that night, we wouldn't have gone to my apartment and Hetty wouldn't be pissed at us."

Both Callen and Sam smirk as he finally admits spending that night with Kensi but he quickly picks up their wicked smile.

"Nothing happened guys. The fact that we spent the night together doesn't mean we actually…slept together….well….we did sleep together…..but not in the way you think we did….."

"Ok, we get it," Callen raises his hand begging him to stop "but you shouldn't be blaming yourself. I honestly doubt that Hetty made that call solely based on your….relationship status. Yes, she works in mysterious ways you have to admit, it's always for our best."

"Forgive me brother for having my doubts," Deeks leans his head back.

"Well, she did arrange a flight for us in 12 hours," Callen smiles hoping to cheer Deeks up.

"Really? Cause I'm tired, I just want to go home," he closes his eyes in defeat.

"We are all going home! And during the flight you will have all the time you want to charm her back into liking you."

Deeks can't help but smile. Perhaps Callen is right. Jack is staying here, there is no doubt about that.

But Kensi is going back with him and he hopes in a few days, she'll go back TO him as well!


	13. Chapter 13

As soon as the rest of her team had exited the room, Kensi got lost in Jack's embrace.

Over these last few hours she had felt like she was losing her mind, although finally a familiar loving face had come to make her feel like home again!

But something was wrong.

His hug somehow didn't feel comforting at all. His arms around her felt foreign and unwelcome. She was not supposed to feel this way around the man she loved.

She slowly pulled away from him swallowing hard, trying to understand this sudden change of emotions.

"Is something wrong?" Jack asked worried.

"I don't know," Kensi sighed "you tell me."

"I don't know what you mean."

She reached her hand and caressed his cheek trailing her thumb down to his mouth.

"I remember you, your face, your voice….But what I see now before my eyes, is not the man I used to know. You even look older." She said.

Up until now Jack was avoiding any kind of eye contact with her, but her piercing look finally forced him to pick up his gaze until his eyes met hers.

"I know you Jack. You are hiding something from me. Please, just tell me the truth. I can handle it," she begged him.

"Deeks made me promise I wouldn't tell you…."

"Tell me what?"

Should he tell her the truth?

Deeks is never going to forgive him for betraying his trust but he can't do this. Despite everything he had put Kensi through he still cared about her. And it is obvious that Deeks cares about her even more.

He is the one who should be here by her side. Not him.

No! He can't lie. He must give Deeks a chance to claim what he's lost.

"The truth is….we are not together anymore," Jack paused giving a second to Kensi to process his obviously disturbing words.

At the sound of that confession Kensi pulled her hand away from him.

"What do you mean? Are we like….divorced or something?" She asked.

Jack shook his head desperately trying to find the right words to describe their mess, but his mind was a blank. Lying never came easy to him. He had always been an honest person, especially to Kensi.

Even if that meant hurting her beyond repair.

"Deeks is either going to kill me or thank me for doing this," he mumbled.

"Doing what? Please just tell me what the hell is going on," Kensi was now beginning to lose her patience.

"There is no need to panic ok? Just listen to me. Nine years ago, after I came back from Afghanistan, I wasn't the same man. Something broke inside me while I was here. I had changed. Being here felt vivid and real. But coming home to you was like roughly hitting the ground."

Suddenly Kensi felt the strangest sense of déjà-vu consuming her, sending chills down her spine. She had heard those exact words before. She was sure about it.

"So what? We just broke up?" She asked.

Jack didn't want to go through all the details, but it seemed inevitable. Kensi needed some answers and after all, she ought to know the truth.

"It was worse than that!" Jack stated.

"How much worse?" Kensi asked with tears in her eyes. "What? Did we go to court or something? Do we have any kids and we fought over custody? What?"

"I need you to listen to me ok?" he tried to calm her down, gently caressing her cheek. "You did nothing wrong. I was a fool and an asshole who didn't handle things well."

"You left me didn't you?" Kensi declared with tears falling down her cheeks.

"Look, I am sorry but yes, I did. And believe when I say this, I am not proud of myself. I hurt you, and if I could turn back time I would do things differently," he pulls her close softly kissing her forehead.

"If you could turn back time, would you have stayed with me?" she bluntly asked.

Jack remained silent for a moment debating the answer.

Should he lie?

No!

He has never lied to Kensi, and was not willing to start now.

"No!" The hurtful truth escaped his lips and Kensi pushed him away from her forcing him off the bed.

"You may not remember this Kens, but we were both miserable. Even if we had got married, it wouldn't have ended well. Trust me."

"So what? You did me a favor?" Kensi wiped the tears off her eyes. "You just disappeared for nine whole years and never looked back? You said you loved me. You asked me to marry you , spend the rest of my life by your side, and you just threw all that away?"

"I saved you from myself. I saved you from a life of misery. "

"That's crap! You saved me from misery, really? Cause all I can hear now is my heart bleeding – possibly for the second time – over you."

"That's impossible," he calmly responded "because your heart seems to belong to another man right now."

She looked up at him, barely holding it together "What exactly does that mean?"

"You have found someone who can make you happy. I've only known him for a few days, but he seems like a decent man. After all, he did cross half the world to come and rescue you."

"What? Who…?" Kensi tried to put the pieces of the puzzle together but the harder she struggled, the more her head hurt.

"Don't tell me it's Callen!" Kensi exclaimed with a hint of irony in her voice.

"No, it's not Callen," Jack smiled.

"Well? Who is it?"

Jack shrugged his shoulders. "I guess you'll have to find out on your own. You may have lost your memory, but I doubt your feelings for him have just disappeared. The heart never forgets."

Kensi looked at him and she knew he was right.

As strange as it sounded, her heart beat for another man. Jack's presence didn't fill her with the same sense of security it used to. To be honest, she might say she even felt at bit angry at him. And now she knew why.

He left her. He abandoned her like most men in her life have.

How could he have done this to her?

He knew about the loss of her father. He knew she spent almost a year on the streets trying to survive on her own. He knew about all her previous relationships, but still he chose to act selfishly.

Should she yell at him? Should she be feeling heartbroken and sad?

Not really! No more tears streamed down her cheeks.

There was no anger consuming her. No sorrow breaking her heart. On the contrary, she felt a strange sense of closure.

The relief she felt was somehow not a surprise.

She picked up her gaze and looked at Jack with a sad smile on her lips. "So, this is it then. "

"This is it!" he agreed. "Look, like I said you did nothing wrong. You tried to help me, keep me grounded and sane. But I didn't want to be saved. A couple of years ago I tried to look for you but I got a call from your Operational Manager."

"Hetty?" she looked at him confused.

"Yes! I asked her if you had finally found the happiness you deserved."

"And? What did she say."

"She said no!"

"What?" Kensi asked shocked.

"She said no. You hadn't found happiness. Happiness had finally found you."

So, she was happy with someone else.

But who could this mysterious man be?

Who is the one who managed to capture her heart?

Who is this man that she loves more than the person she intended to marry?

Then, she remembered the awkward figure standing in the back of the hospital room avoiding any kind of physical or eye contact with her.

Marty Deeks!

Her jaw dropped as the realization hit her and Jack laughed at her jarred look.

"So, you do know who I am talking about."

"I…..I am not sure…."Kensi cleared her throat "are you sure it's him?"

Jack nodded. "I know you don't remember him, but give the man a chance. He deserves it."

Kensi bit her lip and nodded in approval.

To her Deeks was a stranger, but if he was indeed the man Jack said he was, then she was willing to give him the opportunity to prove it.

"I am sorry, but I have to go," Jack sadly smiled at her.

"I understand. Will I ever see you again?"

"Do you want to see me again?"

"Honestly, not really," Kensi shook her head and surprised herself with the answer.

He approached the bed and leaned forward to kiss her forehead.

"I am sorry for everything I put you through. All ever wanted for you, was to be happy," he whispered before walking away.

He meant every single word he had just uttered.

She knew he did and for that reason she felt at peace. It was strange really. It was as if she had waited for this apology for a long time and now she could finally move forward.

Despite the doctor's warnings she slowly got up – carefully, so as not to tear her IV line again- and searched for her belongings in the closet.

To her disappointment, there was nothing apart from her clothes. No cellphone, no wallet….nothing. Nothing that would indicate what her present life was like.

She sat back on the bed burying her aching head in her hands.

It felt like it was going to burst.

"I thought the doctor told you to stay in bed," Callen suddenly walked in and Kensi picked up her gaze from the floor.

"Yeah….I know…I just….I wanted to see if my phone was within my belongings," she laid back down on the bed.

"Your phone is missing. The guy that was holding you, probably ditched it somewhere in the desert. But we got you a new one," he handed her a brand new device.

He could see the disappointment in her eyes.

She was trying so hard to make sense out of all this situation. Trying to hold on to something. He wished he could help her, but he was afraid to share any kind of information with her.

How much did she actually remember?

How much could she handle?

A part of him though understood what she was going through. He knew what it's like not remembering your past. Not knowing who you are. Kensi is fortunate though. Her memory will come back sooner or later, but he is bound to live in mystery.

"Did Jack leave already?" he looked around the room.

"Come on Callen, you don't have to pretend anymore," she adjusted herself on the bed.

"I don't understand. What are you talking about?" deep down though he knew exactly what she was referring to.

"Jack! He told me the truth. Why did you feel the need to build this whole charade? Did you honestly think I'd never figure out?"

"So, he told you the truth huh?" Callen sat on a nearby chair.

"I am glad he did. You could have told me the truth. See….it didn't kill me."

"Deeks didn't want to break your heart. "

There it was again that name. Deeks!

"How are you handling this?" Callen continued.

"Better than I expected. But please promise me something. No more lies."

"Agreed! We brought you a pair of clean clothes," Callen got up and placed the bag he was holding in the closet "Granger arranged a plane for us in about 11 hours. We are finally going home."

"Who is Granger?" Kensi asked.

"Why am I not surprised you don't remember him?" Callen laughs "he is the Assistant Director. He had been working with you for these past five months."

"Oh, I see!" she let out a deep breath trying to find the right words to address the next topic.

"What about my partner. Marty Deeks? What is he like?"

Callen smirked. "He is a goofy, weird creature…..but he cares about you, a lot. And to be honest, right now he knows you more than you know yourself. If anyone can help you regain your memory, it's him."

So, Jack was telling the truth. This Marty Deeks person is her partner and friend. She didn't dare ask if there is more to their story though. Besides, Callen was not the appropriate person to be asking such questions of intimate nature.

"Is he still here?" she hesitantly asked.

"No, he went back to the base. Did you want to talk to him?" he raised his eyebrow.

"No…I just….I was just curious….and since he is supposed to be my partner…I thought I should get to know him…." She was fighting to hide her rising panic but Callen could see right through her.

"What did Jack tell you? Besides the fact that you two are not together anymore," Callen couldn't keep his face from smiling.

"Nothing…just that. Don't be mad at him. He didn't feel comfortable lying to me and trust me, he made the right call."

"Are you mad at us?"

Kensi smiles "No! I can't be mad at you guys for more than 2 minutes."

"Well I am glad, because you are stuck with me for the night."

"What…what do you mean?"

"I am staying with you for the night. First thing in the morning they are coming to pick us up, and head to the air base."

"Oh," she looked at her hands clearly disappointed "YOU are staying with me huh?"

"Why? Did you want someone else? Your partner perhaps?" he knew he was pushing her buttons here but he couldn't help himself.

"What?" her voice reached an awful high tone "Of course not. I was just wondering…nothing. Just…go back with them. I am fine by myself." She snapped.

"No way! I am staying here! I just need some coffee. I'll be back in a couple of minutes."

As Callen exited the room Kensi couldn't help but feel a bit disappointed.

How could she want the company of a man she didn't remember?

She had all these questions she needed to ask, all these blanks she had to fill, all these emotions she didn't know how to express, but she had to be patient. And based on Jack's words, Marty Deeks was the one with all the answers.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/T: Hope you all enjoyed the Easter Holiday! Here is the next chapter.**

**As always I would like to thank all of you for reading, reviewing and waiting patiently for this story**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

The pain killers that the doctor gave Kensi before the darkness fell seemed to work, as just a few minutes later she fell into a deep sleep.

Callen never left her side all night, remaining there as a constant guard.

Yes, he loved Kensi, but he knew Deeks was the one who should be here by her side; not him. No matter how much he had begged him, Deeks had refused to pay another visit at the hospital. Watching her in the arms of Jack was just too damn difficult.

Even when Callen called him to inform him that Jack told Kensi the truth, he found it hard to be in the same room as her.

Hours went by quickly and Kensi seemed to have a peaceful night's sleep until the first rays of sun snuck through the curtains.

"Good morning," Callen stood up to check on her.

"Hey! Is it morning already?" Kensi rubbed her sleepy eyes.

"Yes. I checked with the doctor and you are good to go. The nurses removed your IV while you were sleeping. Hetty has arranged one of the base nurses to accompany us back home. You know….to check on you during the flight."

"So, I can get up now?" she slowly lifted herself from the bed as Callen placed his hand on her back .

"Just…take it easy ok? You still have fever, your wrists are all bandaged, you have cracked ribs and your head wound needs care," he took her hand and helped her stand up.

"Well, don't worry. I am not going to run a mile. I just want to get dressed. I hate this hospital gown."

"Oh," Callen took one step back in embarrassment "yeah….I probably should call one of the nurses for that….I am not the right person to….yeah….don't move. I'll call the nurse."

Kensi laughed and sat back on the bed. So, that was it. She was going back home. Where was home really? Did she even live in the same apartment that she remembered? She should be feeling relieved to leave this terrible place, but to her surprised she felt scared. Scared of the unknown.

Within seconds a nurse walked in and helped Kensi change into the sweat pants they had provided her with. The slightest move she made caused her whole body to react in pain. What the hell did that terrorist do to her anyway to make her feel like this?

It took her longer than expected, but finally she was free from the gown. She took one last look around the room before leaving, just to make sure she wasn't forgetting anything behind. But here was nothing there. She let out a deep sigh and walked out of the room, ready to embrace the unknown.

Even though she refused to walk out of the hospital in a wheel chair, Callen made it perfectly clear that she had no choice. He practically forced her to sit down.

The moment she walked out of the hospital, she put on her brightest smile hoping that it was Deeks who had come to pick them up and drive them to the airport. To her disappointment though, it was only Sam and soon her smile faded away.

"Did you expect someone else Kens?" Sam laughed.

"No!" Kensi shook her head trying to hide her chagrin. "Just get me out of here!"

She remained silent during the whole ride to the airport, and neither Callen nor Sam dared to ask her anything. They both knew Deeks was the only one who could help her.

All they could do was wait for their second reunion.

* * *

By the time they stepped into the private jet Granger had provided them, Deeks had already boarded, and he was sitting quietly on a seat next to the window. He heard Kensi's voice as she was climbing the stairs but he fought his urge to run to her. On the contrary, he remained seated as she walked past him and barely took a glimpse at her.

Even when she stopped for a brief moment next to him, seeking for his look. Even then, he didn't look back.

She opened he mouth but no words could come out. She wanted to tell him she was sorry for the way she reacted, but he didn't seem to care. So, she swallowed her pride and sat all alone far away from him. She even refused the company of the nurse who only placed the IV line on her hand again because the flight was too long and her body still needed the antibiotics.

Deeks was glad Kensi had decided to sit on the front seats of the plane. That way, they would avoid awkward looks and conversations.

He could only see the top of her head and all he wanted to do was stroke her hair and kiss her forehead. Promise her that everything would be fine. But he didn't. Instead, he preferred to remain seated and look for one last time the endless desert of Afghanistan as the plane took off.

He didn't want to think. He didn't want memories of his brother as a child haunt his mind. He didn't want memories of Kensi reminding him of what he'd lost. All he wanted to do was close his eyes and let his mind go blank and somehow erase these past months

"Why are you doing this to her?" Sam's soft voice suddenly startled him and forced him to open his eyes again.

"Doing what? I don't know what you mean," Deeks cleared his throat.

"I think you do." Sam sat next to him and his eyes pointed at Kensi.

Deeks let out a deep breath and looked outside the window once again. "I am not doing anything. I am simply giving her the space she needs."

"What if she doesn't need space? What if she needs her partner to help her come back?"

"I can't do that," Deeks shook his head "I don't think I can handle this anymore. I killed my brother for that woman, and she doesn't even remember me."

"Well, make her remember you," Sam prompted him.

"I don't have the strength anymore Sam. It took me four years to make her…" he paused for a moment "to make her love me. I can't go through all of it again. I am not resistant anymore. "

Sam smiled at the sound of the word "love". That was the first time that Deeks used that word to describe his relationship with Kensi. "Don't give up. She still loves you. She just doesn't know it yet so help her remember it. You know Kensi better than anyone. You are the only person who can help her find herself."

"What if the Kensi I knew is long gone and this new version of her sees me as just her partner?"

"I don't believe that for a second. She may have lost her memory, but her heart remains the same. Don't abandon her. She needs you now more than ever. She is lost."

"I am sorry, I can't do this," Deeks tried to fight back the tears "I can't force her to like me. I can't force her to love me. This situation is difficult for her, but you keep forgetting how difficult it is for me as well. She lost her memory but sooner or later it will all come back. I lost a part of myself back there. I lost a part of my soul and I will never get it back."

"I thought we've already been through this Deeks" Sam tried to keep his voice level to hide his increasing frustration "If you hadn't killed Max, we would be transferring Kensi's dead body right now. Max was a terrorist who showed no remorse. I am sorry to be so blunt about it, but he deserved to die. Did you read Kensi's medical file?"

Deeks shook his head.

"Well I did. Repeatedly. And trust me when I say this, it's a good thing she doesn't remember what that bastard did to her. If you have any doubts about killing him, read the damn file. Read what your brother did to your partner, and tell me you wouldn't pull the trigger again."

"It looks like we agree on something," Deeks turned his gaze form the window and looked at Sam.

"What is that?"

"Part of me is glad she doesn't remember. I am glad she doesn't remember me, because it makes it easier for me to end our…thing before either of us gets hurt."

"What are you talking about?" Sam looked at him confused.

"Let's be honest. We…..Kensi and I…..it wouldn't work out. An office romance is always a bad idea, especially in our line of work. Passion should never rule our minds and navigate our choices. It was fun in the beginning. Circling each other…you know, playing the game. But the price of the victory is something I can't bare. This is the perfect opportunity to end this game. "

"You can't play with her mind Deeks. She is going to remember sooner or later, and trust me. She is going to be pissed at you for lying to her, manipulating her, betraying her!"

"Not if I make her believe that we are just partners," he bluntly responded.

"You are going to brainwash her? Are you serious? This isn't a game as you call it Deeks. This is life. " Sam was getting angrier at him by the second, to the point where Callen had to join the conversation to check on the commotion.

"What is going on here?" he asked worried.

"Ask him!" Sam got up as he knew that he was close to physically hurting Deeks for speaking those words.

But Deeks didn't answer. Instead he turned his gaze back to the window ostentatiously ignoring both Callen and Sam. He was in no mood to repeat himself. He had made his mind and no one could affect his choice. Yes, it hurt like hell giving up on Kensi, but in his mind it was for the best. Life was so much easier during the first steps of their partnership and he longed for that normality.

He took one last glimpse at Kensi's still form before closing his eyes and surrendering himself to sleep.

If he had paid a closer attention though, he would have noticed that Kensi was nothing but still. She was trying hard to control her sobs as she had heard every single bit of that conversation. Deeks and Sam were not as quiet as they thought they were.

She couldn't explain why, but hearing that Deeks was more than willing to give up on her, hurt her more than she expected. Now she knew why she felt so drawn to that man. She loved him. She didn't actually know him, yet she loved him. But apparently he didn't love her enough and chose not to fight for her.

Why? Why did it hurt so much? She didn't feel so desperate and heartbroken when Jack told her the truth. Why did her heart only want to obey that shaggy blonde detective.

She hated this feeling of despair.

If their "relationship" hurt so much now, what would it do to her once she got her memory back? Suddenly, ignorance seemed like a salvation. Her heart was aching, but her mind could not explain why.

After all, maybe it was for the best!


	15. Chapter 15

**A/ T: I understand that some of you got a bit upset with Deeks and may have misunderstood his intentions. Yes, I believe that there is some darkness hiding behind his character, but I hope this next chapter will give you an insight of why he made that choice. **

**Once again thank you all, guests and loyal readers for reviewing. You always make so happy. **

* * *

The fifteen hour flight back to LA was as expected, awfully quiet. Kensi was too damn proud to reach to Deeks for help, and he was too damn tired to offer help.

For the first time in his life, he didn't know what to do. Well, actually he knew what he wanted to do, but he wasn't entirely sure it was right and fair towards Kensi.

Those hours when he thought she was dead was the hardest period of his whole life. He had tasted despair and he had seen the darkness as he was forced to consider a future without her.

Back then, he had thought of how much precious time they had lost. Nearly four years gone wasted. He vowed he would make every minute count if Kensi was still alive.

His wish came true. They were given a second chance but now…now he was folding back once again.

He loved her, there was no doubt about that, but his mind kept reminding him of all the complications they could face.

Hetty for starters. He thought she was his ally. He thought she routed for them, but over these past few months he had some serious doubts about her true motives.

She had been cryptic, manipulative and always used those innuendos to prove them they didn't belong together.

Hetty may be the master of the universe, but lately she was just a human being who kept making mistakes at the expense of her own team.

If she hadn't split the team during the Sidorov case, he and Sam wouldn't had been captured and most importantly, he wouldn't have to face that dramatic experience.

Kensi loved speed, bikes, and mountain rides; he knew that if Hetty hadn't taken his bike away, Kensi wouldn't have been able to resist joining him for long rides during the weekends.

If Hetty hadn't sent her to Afghanistan, she wouldn't have lost 5 months of her life. Christmas, New Year's Eve, his birthday, Valentine's Day (he'll never admit it to her but he had bought a huge bear for her that day, just in case…), Callen's new girlfriend, Monty's official retirement from the force…. God she had missed everything. And if that wasn't enough, she had now lost at least 5 years of her memory too.

If Hetty had warned him about his brother, Max could have still been alive. In jail probably, but alive.

His anger was boiling up inside him and before he realized it, his hands were clenched into fists. He wanted to hit something. Unleash his wrath before it ate him slowly inside out.

Then again, maybe this was all his fault. Maybe Hetty sent here there as a punishment for upgrading their relationship to a higher level. But they never did anything. They never crossed the line. The fact that they spent the night together didn't necessarily mean that they actually….ended up together.

Though, they didn't deny it. Both of them wanted more, but both agreed to take it slow.

He remembered that night as if it was yesterday. Her intoxicating scent, her gentle touch, her soft lips, her racing heartbeat.

The moment they had walked into his apartment, he had captured her lips with his, and wrapped his arms around her pulling her as close as possible. It was a slow tender kiss at first, but it soon turned lustful, needy and hungry.

Before he knew it, his hands were grasping the back of her thighs lifting her up and pushing her hard against the wall. She didn't resist. On the contrary, she wrapped her legs around his waist pulling him close. Low moans of pleasure were filling to room as his hands began to explore parts of her body he had never dared to touch before. If Monty's whining hadn't interrupted them at that moment, who knows how far they would have gone. Well, let's be honest. He knew how far he was willing to go, so a part of him was glad they snapped out of their passionate trance.

It was official. There was no turning back. Their partnership had turned into a relationship. But instead of doing something they would later regret, they decided to just lay quietly on the couch.

Even though he prompted her to talk about their "thing" she turned him down every time. All she wanted was to feel his muscular body next to hers, his strong arms around her, his hot breath on her face. She never told him, but she felt safe at that moment. Like nothing could ever hurt her.

She did make him promise something though. That they would never let their relationship affect their jobs. Despite all, they still remained professionals who just happened to share a bed at the end of the day.

Boy did he break that promise. He could still feel the punch Kensi gave him after he failed to take that bloody shot.

Was that the turning point?

Was that the moment he realized he couldn't separate his mind from his heart? He tried, he really did. But unfortunately Talia's words still haunted his mind.

Of all the people he knew, no one had managed to find the balance between matters of the heart and the cost of this job.

Not Hetty, not Callen, not Sam…..not even Talia.

He hated to admit it, but she was right. Partners can't be lovers. When passion rules the mind, logic has no control over it.

Why did he let himself get sucked into this endless game? Probably, because he thought he was playing safe. Because he never thought a woman like Kensi could possibly fall in love with him.

But she did and God, so did he. He loved her more than anyone. Kensi never realized it, but she had complete control over him. He was always willing to do anything just for her sake; even kill and that's what scared him the most. The lengths he would dare to go just for her. That was why he had to let her go and this was the perfect opportunity.

Did he feel like betraying her trust? Lying to her? Certainly yes. But it was for the best. Deep in his mind, he was feeling like he was protecting her….from himself. All he had to do was convince her that they are just partners, nothing more.

Of course she would be pissed at him for playing her like that if her memory ever came back but again, it was for the best. It would be easier for her to push him away and draw her wall back up if she felt disappointed and betrayed by him. So, it's was a win, win situation.

He sighed and rested his head against the window taking one last glimpse at Kensi's still form. She hadn't moved or talked form the moment she boarded the plane and Deeks couldn't help but feel a bit worried. Every inch of his body wanted to hold her in his embrace but he fought the urge.

He knew the whole team was going to hate him for this, but he didn't care. He wasn't willing to give Hetty another excuse to break the up. If Afghanistan was her punishment for one night, who knows how much further she would dare to go.

No! He couldn't take that chance. He couldn't risk another reassignment. It washis job to protect Kensi. He is the only one who could keep her safe. No one else could.

If he had to sacrifice their personal relationship, then so be it. As long as it was in his hands Kensi would remain his partner and only his partner.

He wasn't ready to lose her from his life. He survived four years in the partner/friend zone. He could survive another one hundred as long as her smile would brighten his mornings every day at the office.

* * *

She heard him. She heard every single word he uttered and they all hurt like hell. Deeks was her only hope. He was the man with the answers. He was supposed to help her get her memories back. But he chose to abandon her.

Ever since Jack informed her about him, she was looking forward to meeting him again and seeing him under a different spot light. Her heart fluttered like a school girl in love when she walked by him in the airplane, but he didn't even look at her. He didn't even flinch. His eyes were only focused on the window he was staring out of.

Not a glimpse?

Not a single word?

Why?

And then she heard him. He wanted nothing to do with her. From what she understood their relationship was doomed from the very beginning, though the least Deeks could do was fight for them. Fight to make it work.

But he gave up on her so easily.

It shouldn't be hurting that much. After all, she barely knew the guy. Somehow though, her heart seemed to know him all too well.

Ever since she woke up, she was scared. But now…she was petrified. She was going back to a life she didn't know with no one by her side. Yes, she was never good at asking for help, but now she needed it more than ever.

She needed a person she could trust. A person who knew her better than she knew herself.

She had thought that person was Deeks, but he failed her miserably. She felt like a fool. Glooming over a guy she didn't even know? That was so not her.

He didn't want her to remember? Fine? She didn't want to remember him either. You can't miss something you never had, and as far as she knew, she never had Deeks. She didn't recall anything about him, and that was fine. It made her decision ever easier.

Only problem was, she would have to work with him eventually. She could always ask for another partner but Deeks seemed like family to both Callen and Sam. The way they treated him, was unlike anything she had seen out of them. He was their brother and she couldn't possibly break them apart.

Then again, what if she never came back to work? Being an Agent used to feel her with a sense of completion. She lived for that adrenaline rush, but she wasn't sure anymore. She couldn't go back to work unless she found herself first.

She kept looking outside the window, fighting to hold back her tears. Fighting to drown her sobs so that no one will listen to her break. Despite all, she was still bad ass Kensi Blye and she was determined to win this fight.


	16. Chapter 16

**A/T: I hope all of you guys are enjoying Labor Day! Here is a new chapter.**

**Once again, a huge thank you to all of you who read and review. I really appreciate your support! Can't wait to read your thoughts on this one!**

* * *

Three weeks had gone by, during which time Deeks refused to talk to anyone. Not even Kensi. Of course he thought her every single minute of the day, but he was determined to stay away from her.

He couldn't deny it. It was hard. If her five months absence was unbearable to him, this situation was simply killing him. He wanted to call her, listen to her voice, reassure himself that she was surviving without him, but he never found the courage to pick up the phone.

He couldn't even drive by her house, because he knew he wouldn't be able to restrain himself from knocking that door.

God, every fiber of his body missed her.

She never talked to him after landing in LA and avoided any kind of eye or physical contact with him. Had she heard him? Or was she simply hurt by his lack of interest? Either way, he had reached his goal. She got into the car without looking back, without saying goodbye.

That was what he wanted, but he'd be lying if he said it didn't hurt. He hated seeing her broken, sad, angry. It had always been his duty to wash away such feelings and now, he was the cause of them.

Three weeks of isolation. Three weeks of closed drapes and restless sleep. No! He couldn't go back to that state. Next step was insomnia and he was not ready to experience that again.

He had to go back to work or else Hetty might jump out of the curtains any time now. That was another person he was avoiding, Hetty!

Yes, he blamed her for everything and he expected an apology out from her when he got back to work. Sometimes Hetty reminded him of his own mother, Deeks father had scarred her soul so deeply that she became overprotective, keeping him safe under her wings. No girl was ever good enough for her beloved son, and she was the one wanted Deeks to become a lawyer in the first place. He joined law school only to keep her pleased. His mother never realized though that even though she wanted the best for him, she was holding him back from actually living. She never let him fly on his own. She had lost Max, but she was determined to save Deeks.

He loved his mother more than anyone, but only after her death did he truly feel free. Free to seek romance in the arms of all the wrong women. Free to quit his job as a district attorney and follow his own dream to become a cop. Free to live on his own. Free to live!

That was exactly what Hetty was doing. There was no doubt that Hetty's knowledge surpassed anyone else's. But when it came to matters of the heart, she couldn't handle her emotions.

Deeks often wondered if she had ever fallen in love. Had someone broken her heart? Maybe that was the reason why she was so negative towards office romances. Could that someone be Granger?

Deeks shivered at the thought of that. Oh, now nightmares of Granger and Hetty in bed would haunt his dreams for eternity. That was worse than the flying monkeys.

It was 7a.m. Monday morning and he was still in his bed. He had to go to work. Three weeks was long enough, the team needed him. Kensi needed him, and this was Kensi's first day as well.

He rubbed his eyes and forced his body to get up from the bed and walked into the shower before getting dressed. Should he get her some coffee first? No! He had disappeared for three weeks. If he handed her a coffee right now, most likely she would spill it on him. Her memory may be gone, but her temper may still remain.

He parked his car and remained still for a few minutes before walking out. Kensi's car was nowhere to be seen. Maybe she was running late. Maybe she had Sam or Callen drive her here. There was only one way to find out. Walk through those doors.

He took a deep breath a pushed the door open taking small subtle steps. Absolute quiet surrounded the building. He stopped a few feet away from their desks and carefully picked hunching his back to see if anyone was seated.

"She is not here," Callen's voice startled him and forced him to stand up straight.

"I wasn't…. I was just checking…." there was no point lying about it so he sighed in defeat "Fine, I was just checking is she has arrived."

"She hasn't, and she won't," Callen sat on his desk.

"What? What do you mean? I thought she was coming back today," Deeks removed the bag from his shoulder and collapsed in his chair a bit disappointed.

"Well, she sent a message saying she needed more time."

"A message? Have you tried calling her?"

"Yes, and she didn't pick up. Have you?"

Deeks stared at his desk ashamed "No, I thought she needed some space."

"She needed you Deeks. "

"So you did talk to her," he looked back at Callen.

"I told you I didn't but I am not blind. During that flight she was waiting for you to reach for her. She was counting on you to help her."

"Why should I be the one to help her? Come one guys, you know her just as well as I do."

"Because you are her partner Deeks. You know aspects of her life and character that she has never shown to us."

Just then, Sam walked in still sweaty from his work out at the gym.

"Well, look who decided to join us finally. Welcome back," he gave Deeks a warm hug.

"Thank you," he sat back down "what have I missed?"

"Nothing really. Hetty is in DC, the director called her in, and Nell and Eric are as weird as usual."

"That's good. I wouldn't be able to handle a dead marine on my first day," he forced a smile.

Callen and Sam shared a look clearly reading Deeks mind. Why was he so stubborn? Why was it so hard for him to just ask straight?

Sam wanted to have a serious talk with Deeks but obviously this wasn't the right time. He was angry at him for not picking up the phone, for not contacting Kensi, for disappearing without any sign. Though, seeing him so…lost, forced him to reschedule that talk for another, more appropriate time.

"Did you tell him?" Sam addressed Callen.

"Yeap."

"Then why does he keep peeking at her desk as if she is going to magically pop up?"

"You guys I am right here you know," Deeks picked his gaze from his laptop and raised his hands pointing at himself.

"Why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you doing this to her?" Sam approached him and placed his hand on his shoulder.

"Because our…relationship has caused nothing but trouble," he sighed in defeat "we can't have it all. You know it, Callen knows it, Hetty knows it. How many agents in this building are happily married or even involved in an honest relationship? I can't go out on a date without lying about my identity. I can't drink my favorite coffee every morning because I have to change my route to work every single day. I can't go to bed at night without my gun placed on the nightstand. I can't have any children because I fear they will grow up without a father. I can drop dead any day in this job. Let's face it guys. We are our job. There is no room for family."

"I have a family," Sam interrupted him "I have a wife and a kid, and I have found the balance between my job and my family. The people I love define who I am, not what I do."

Deeks shook his head "Yes, but Michelle isn't your partner. She had to sacrifice a part of herself in order to be with you. I can't ask that from Kensi and I can't go back to LAPD. I don't trust anyone to protect her and have her back. I can't give her what she wants, but I can keep her safe."

"I am sorry to disappoint you Deeks, but she can handle herself." Callen snapped at him "She doesn't need any man during the day. She needs a man to come home to at night."

"Maybe that man isn't me, "he run his hands through his hair "maybe it was never me."

"You don't believe that anymore than I do," Sam shook his head "stop following the rules and start being the exception of the rule. If anyone can make this work, it's you two guys. They say love is about wanting to be a better person. In your case, love is about accepting the other with his flaws. She never tried to change you, and you never tried to change her. You complete each other in mysterious ways. You are simply each other's half."

Deeks swallowed hard as Sam's words hit their target. He was right after all. In each one of his previous relationships he had to pretend, compromise, change. When he was with Kensi though, he was free to be himself. And the same goes for her as well. He loved her for who she was. Not for who he was hoping she'd be.

Before he knew it a sincere smile escaped his lips "Do you guys have any idea how cheesy you sound?"

"Well apparently cheesy works on you," Callen laughed "So, are you going to find her?"

Deeks let out a deep breath "What about Hetty? She sent her to Afghanistan for simply spending the night together. What will she do when she finds this out?"

Callen frowned "I don't think Kensi's reassignment had anything to do with your personal relationship. Once she gets back from DC, you and her should talk."

If Afghanistan wasn't meant as a punishment, then what was it? Hetty never denied it. What was her plan anyway?

No! He couldn't think of that right now. His mind was set on Kensi and only Kensi. He quickly stood up and crossed his bag across his shoulder. He started walking towards the door but suddenly he stopped and turned around.

"Should I buy her flowers or something? Perhaps a box of chocolates?" he asked panicked "What if she won't open the door. What if she doesn't want to see me?"

Sam approached him and placed both hands on his shoulders "Just calm down Deeks! Once you get in that car you'll know what to do."

"You are right," Deeks nodded "I have to go."

Callen and Sam watched him storm out of the building filled with excitement and panic with a huge smile across their faces.

"Do you think she'll let him in?" Sam asked Callen.

"I think she never truly locked him out!"


End file.
